Keep Me From Drowning
by Distopian Heart
Summary: Kogan jealousy of Kames story! My first story, so please be nice. Rated M for later chapters. You read me? I don't care about reviews and flames will be laughed at and frozen into fattening fro-yo treats. :D
1. God Damn Bastards

**Yes! This is my first story! I'm glad you're reading! Hope you enjoy! And yes, later on there will be…**_**fun**_** between Kendall and Logan. ;) Oh, you probably want the details. Well, here you go:**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush! Trust me! If I did, there wouldn't be a need to write this! We'd all be getting our daily dose of gay just by watching it! (Not that I don't with Big Time Crib, but you catch my drift.)**

**Warnings: Yaoi, slash, guy on guy, that genre! Foul language and later on some serious, explicit smexing. No likey, no read-y!**

I wanted him.

I wanted to be the one he held, the one he made scream and writhe in pleasure, the one he gave that special smile to while we sang.

I wanted him.

But God knew I couldn't have him.

No, it was that sparkly, bitchy, annoying little brat that he loved. It pissed me off, but it's not like I could do anything about it.

Or talk to anyone. Kendall himself was the one who was making me feel this way; him and his goddamn lover, James. So they were out. Carlos and I were always fighting – I doubted he would take the time to listen to me. And Mrs. Knight and Katie didn't need to suffer through my rants.

So I was basically alone.

Great.

That was sarcastic.

I sighed. This Hollywood life was beginning to annoy me.

"Yo, Logie! Wake up, we gotta go to practice soon!"

I stood up. "Be right there!" I yelled back. I groaned at the irony. Those two sentences used to mean hockey practice at five in the morning. Which really, I hadn't minded back in Minnesota. Hell, I still wouldn't have minded it in Hollywood. And we wouldn't even practice with the team. We would just do it for the fun of it. And now I hated those two sentences with a passion, knowing that at the end of the day my limbs would be in scorching pain.

And then that nickname…!

Only Kendall called me that name, and _fuck _did it hurt. Maybe if he wasn't the only one, it would hurt less. Maybe it wouldn't feel like he was indirectly teasing me with what I wanted him to call me lovingly, holding me in his arms…

I sighed again, stepping into the bathroom to take another one of my notoriously short showers. As soon as I was out and dressed, I walked out to the kitchen with a towel still hanging around my neck.

Kendall looked up. "Hey, guess what?" He asked loudly.

I raised an eyebrow at him. "What?" I sighed. As much as I yearned for him to love me, when I was tired I wasn't a people person.

"That outfit looks better on you than a dress!"

I froze, blushing at the memory of the previous day's events. I glared at the wall while making an obscene gesture with my hand in his direction.

Everyone laughed, and even I let out a quiet snigger.

"So how much longer do we have to wait until being dancing dogs?" I asked.

"Like, ten minutes." Carlos replied. I groaned.

"Who else agrees that Gustavo sucks ass?" I asked, massaging my temples. I looked up and saw Kendall and Carlos raising their hands in the air.

"Oh, come on, guys!" James cried, jumping off the kitchen island. "Without Gustavo, we wouldn't be here right now!"

"Waiting to get forced into ridiculous poses by a guy who probably doesn't even have a high school diploma?" Kendall joked. Carlos and I sniggered while James whined, hugging Kendall around the neck.

They didn't act like much of a couple in front of us. Just hugs and arms draped around each other. I was grateful for that, that I wouldn't have to watch them call each other pet names and cuddle and stuff.

If I did, I would've ended it all long ago.

And I don't mean their relationship.

"Whelp, we better get going!" Carlos said loudly, running out the door.

"Good plan." I said in a normal tone, running out just as fast. Once out in the hallway, we pounded fists in celebration of avoiding an awkward moment.

Kendall and James walked out and Kendall locked the door. "Alright," he started, smirking. "I have a plan."

I grinned. Kendall was wicked clever when it came to his devious plans and schemes; it was just one of the many things that captivated me so.

"What's the plan?" I asked.

"Come on, man!" Carlos urged when Kendall paused.

"Well, I'd like to tell you. But I can't. It's part of the plan." He smirked wider as he strode off ahead of the three of us.

I sighed. _Sometimes I wonder what goes on in that mind of yours, Kendall… _I thought wearily, following him.

Practice went just as normal…almost.

Yeah, _almost_. Except for one, tiny, miniscule thing that no one else noticed and was probably a fluke.

But it still happened.

Okay, so during singing practice, we got a new song. A love song.

"Wait. I thought we already had one of these?" I had pointed out, raising an eyebrow curiously at Gustavo and raising my hand in the air.

"Boy bands can never have too many love songs." Gustavo had shot back. I had made a face at his turned back and sunk deeper into my chair. This was going to be a long practice, I could just taste it on the air.

In the chorus, Kendall had a small riff on the words, _I'll never forget what we have, what we can be _while I sang an accompanying descant – _never forget, never forget, never forget_.

And the weirdest thing happened.

He had looked over at me.

Not like, turning his head completely. It was just a look from the corner of his eye.

For a second, I thought I was singing it wrong. But then I realized that he had _kept_ doing it. Maybe every ten or fifteen seconds.

_And James had been on his other side._

What was especially weird was that one time, he had even _smiled._

_No, I'm just over analyzing this,_ I scolded myself in my room that night. I was lying in my bed, waiting for my thoughts to shut up and let me get some sleep, but my guess was that they were _far_ from shutting up. And so I waited while my thoughts warred.

_He definitely smiled at you!_

_ No, he didn't! It was probably just an 'oh, you're doing pretty good today' smile!_

_ Either way, it's still a smile._

I hated my three main sides. There was my jump-to-conclusions side, or as I liked to call it, my inner girl. And then there was my reality check, the one who slapped my inner girl in the face at the slightest hint of a ridiculous notion. And last, my glass-half-full self, my optimist, who always found the bright side.

Can you see why I hate them?

I sighed as I realized that that night was probably going to be another sleepless night spent analyzing the littlest details and fantasizing over someone I could never have.

I turned onto my other side, facing Carlos's side of the room. He was out cold, snoring loudly.

Nah, I was alone on the matter…

-Kendall's POV-

He was perfect.

He was innocent, he was wicked good looking, and SO smart! I knew he would one day be an awesome doctor.

What? Thought I was talking about James?

No! Hell no! I loved Logan, I loved him so much that sometimes I couldn't bear it. It hurt, I loved him so much. I shed tears of a secret pain that I harbored because I was a love-struck idiot.

So, why was I dating James?

_I wasn't._

I was using him as a ploy to gain _some_ kind of emotion from Logan towards me. Preferably something like jealousy.

When Logan was jealous, it was easy to tell. He'd get bitter towards the person, and soon enough his 'three sides' would start fighting. When he slept, he'd mumble things from his more aggressive side, mostly because that side always won the fights.

He would try to hide his envy, he would try so hard. But we would all pick up those tiny hints. And if we didn't, he would suddenly crack and tell someone, who would then tell Carlos, who would tell James and I.

I always wished he wouldn't put himself in such emotional turmoil over the littlest things.

But he did.

And I tried so desperately to keep him from doing that without him realizing my feelings towards him.

But, anyway, if he got jealous of James, I would be able to throw away the little bitch and get on with my life – with Logan.

But so far…

No jealousy.

Nope. Not one bit. In fact, he seemed like he was trying to _avoid_ me. And when he was around me, he would barely look at me.

That's why I would joke and talk to Logan in the mornings. He wasn't much of a morning person (at least, not until he had his coffee), so maybe I could train him to wake up a little by talking to me.

A selfish plan, but it probably had a chance of having an effect.

Maybe…?

So I wasn't lying when I said, "Alright. I've got a plan."

Logan grinned. He had such an adorable smile… "What's the plan?" He asked.

For a second, I debated whether to tell them an improvised plan and then execute it (I did that more often than you would think) or just telling them not to worry about it.

"Come on, man!" Carlos's voice woke me from my daze.

I smirked wider, realizing that I had already been smirking. "I'd like to tell you. But I can't. That's part of the plan." I started walking ahead of my three friends.

I heard someone sigh. I wondered briefly who it had come from, but then Logan popped up in my mind and I kinda just spaced out thinking about him.

As usual.

It was usually about how cute he could be sometimes. Like when he freaked out under pressure, knowing I would save him most of the time. The look on his face would always make me smile on the inside, even if I was freaking out, too.

Sometimes, I wished I hadn't started 'dating' James. At least then I could still wrap my arm around Logan's shoulder in a 'friendly' way, while spazzing out and high-fiving myself in my mind.

And then singing practice happened.

It was a half-mistake. I hadn't been able to resist it at first, and had tried stopping it, but eventually I just gave up and went along with it.

We had gotten a new song. 'What We Could Be'. While singing, I couldn't help myself but to glance over at Logan. As soon as I did, I had actually heard his beautiful voice. It had seemed especially angelic and alluring.

No matter how many times I had looked away, somehow my gaze had always traveled back to his delectable self. I was driving myself insane.

He would never like me back; much less harbor the same love and admiration I held for him. Hell, I didn't even know if he liked guys.

So I let myself go…just this once.

During the second chorus, while I sang the lyrics _I'll never forget what we have, what we can be_ and he sang _never forget, never forget, never forget, _I had looked over at him and smiled.

He hadn't seemed to notice.

Thank God.

As much as I wanted him, I would never force him into anything. And knowing him, if he knew I liked him, he would feel compelled to 'date' me through politeness and pity.

That was definitely _not_ what I wanted.

So that night, when I was sitting in my bed, I solemnly acknowledged the fact that I was dutifully sharing my room with James instead of Logan. What hurt more was that said genius was just in the other room, probably sleeping like the innocent little angel he was.

"You're sulking again."

I looked up at James, feeling my death glare slide into place.

"Shut the fuck up." I growled. "Just know that as soon as I'm ready, I'll drop you like molten lava and get the one I really want."

"Geez. You're really pissed off, aren't you?" James chuckled softly. "You realize that we've gone over our little agreement so many times, I've found a _pattern_ to your words? And I could recite it all without even _looking_ at you?"

I didn't reply.

"Listen, what I mean is…" He took a deep breath. "You love him. So it's understandable why you would get pissed off sometimes. But don't take out that anger on me, please."

"What's in it for you?" My sudden question shocked me. Where had _that_ come from? And since when did my voice sound like a rattlesnake mixed with a grizzly bear on a bad day?

He paused, then laughed again. "Same as you." He replied. "It's a ploy for attention from my crush."

"Oh." I suddenly felt guilty. I looked down at my hands which were resting on my crossed legs. It would be another night where I would go to sleep, anger boiling through my veins like liquid fire. I glanced over at James.

He was already asleep.

I sighed. I always wished sleep could come to me that easily, but I had always been a 'challenged sleeper' as my mom put it. I turned around and glared at the wall behind my bed.

_Don't worry, Logan…_

I set my jaw as I heard my clock make twelve, almost inaudible clicks, symbolizing that it was already midnight.

_You won't have to wait much longer._

-Meanwhile in Logan's POV-

I shivered as I turned off the lamp on my nightstand.

For some reason, I felt a weird chill run up my spine, causing goosebumps to form on the side of my arms.

I glanced at the wall behind me.

_They probably turned on the air conditioner to cool themselves off after another romp._

I frowned, narrowing my eyes.

_God damn bastards._

**xD Angsty!Logan and possessive!Kendall are pretty fun to write! Listen, I know it's all a little OOC, but it'll get back into shape by either next chapter or the third chapter.**

**At the moment, I don't know how long this story will be. But I'm thinking at the very least, ten chapters. If you can't deal with the smexy heat, get out of the Kogan and Jarlos kitchen! Yeah, that's how blunt I get. And this is the first fuckin' chapter!**

**Rate, review, whatever. Flames will be used to make s'more tacos! Or, maybe just s'mores. Because we all know that the boys here don't like 'tacos'…**

**Kendall, Logan, Carlos, James: *glare***

**Tee hee!**


	2. Brain Death

**Oh my God! Thank you all who reviewed! You just rule! Uh…anyway…sorry this is taking kinda long to get out. Or is a week that long in the fanfiction world? I don't know. Nor do I care. **

**Anyway, I think I'm gonna start doing mini journals up here. So, this week…shit happened. Let's see, math test on Thursday, social studies test on Friday. Apparently, school hates me. S'all good, though. I still have time to write this.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush! Trust me! If I did, there wouldn't be a need to write this! We'd all be getting our daily dose of gay just by watching it! (Not that I don't with Big Time Crib, but you catch my drift.)**

**Warnings: Yaoi, slash, guy on guy, that genre! Foul language and later on some serious, explicit smexing. No likey, no read-y!**

"Yo! Logan!"

He still didn't reply. Of course, some parts of me wondered if he figured out that I liked him and now he was rejecting me; that was just natural when you were fallen for someone like a stupid little school girl and falling further every day. But I pushed those thoughts away.

This was _Logan_. He never pushed people away on purpose.

"What is wrong with him?" I groaned, going back to glaring at the opposite side of the exercise room. Gustavo was making us work out a lot; we were currently jogging on the treadmills.

"He's spaced out. Duh." James said, rolling his eyes. I glared at him out of the corner of my eye.

"As usual." Carlos retorted. I peered at him from my side of Logan curiously. He sighed, rolling his eyes. "I'm not judging you guys, 'cause you guys are in love with each other, but maybe if you weren't so obsessed with each other you would have noticed that Logan's been retreating into his own little world with music a lot ever since you two started dating."

I winced for two reasons.

The word 'love' in context with me and James.

_I _was the one pushing _Logan_ away.

Can you guess which one hurt most?

Our treadmills beeped in unison. We stopped jogging as Logan took out his earbuds.

"Hey, Carlos. Spot me?" Logan asked, nodding over to the bench press. Carlos smiled and nodded, hiding the fact that he had just told me and James what was going on in Logan's mind. Logan grinned and then looked over at James and I. "Switch of in a few minutes?" He suggested.

"Uh…sure." I replied.

"What's the face for?" He asked, tilting his head to the side slightly and his smile fading. I shrugged, panicking inside my head that I was so easy to read – that wasn't like me. He laughed softly. "I just thought that you and James would want to stick together and give each other gooey words of encouragement."

"Thanks for the courtesy." James said before I could respond. Logan smiled again as he and Carlos walked away. James turned to me. "Pull ups?"

"Pull ups." I sighed, following him slightly dejectedly.

-Logan's POV—

I started off by lifting weights I knew I could life – it was easier to slowly elevate the pressure level than to start high and get higher.

A few minutes later, Carlos suddenly leaned over me. "You know what's a bad combination?" He asked in an innocent tone.

I sighed inwardly. "What?" I complied, expecting him to say something along the lines of 'hot dogs and peanut butter'.

"Sad songs, secrets, and keeping those secrets from your fucking best friends."

If I had been standing, I would have fallen. But, instead, my grip slipped a bit on the weight in my hands at the moment.

"What are you getting at, Carlos?" I asked slowly, freaking out in my mind. Was I really that easy to read? Could everyone see what pain I was going through? What had given it away?

He sighed. "I don't know _exactly_ what's up with you, but it can't be good." He said. "We're your best friends, dude. You can tell us stuff."

Part of me wanted to yell at him. Now, I couldn't tell them 'stuff'. Not this stuff, at least. Another part wanted to just let loose with it all and tell him. Maybe it would feel good, like if I were Atlas and had just gotten out from underneath the sky. And yet another side wanted to just stand up and walk away.

I stuck with denial.

"Don't you think if there was a problem, I'd tell you?" I asked, raising an eyebrow at the Latino.

"No." He answered bluntly. "You're too busy worrying that you'd 'burden us' with your problems."

I hooked the weight in my hands back in its holder and sat up. I paused. "I guess you're right…" I admitted.

"So you're admitting to having problems?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, yeah," I shrugged. "But everyone has baggage. And as much as I know you gays are there to help me shoulder it, I'd like to hold it myself for just a while longer." I smiled.

"Your baggage." Carlos said. "Now move. I got muscles to grow."

I laughed as I stood up. I glanced up at Kendall. He looked wicked hot doing those pull ups, with that super-concentrated look on his face.

I smiled bitterly to myself. I loved him, even though he would never love me back.

-Kendall's POV-

"I mean, seriously, what do the Jennifers have that I don't?" I asked James.

"Boobs, vaginas, the list can continue." He replied.

"I hate you big time now." I growled, pulling myself back up. Fuck, I hated pull ups.

"No. You're just pissed off because Carlos knows more about what's going on in your little Logie's mind than you do." James retorted, not stopping in his exercise.

"As true as that is…" I sighed, continuing my movements. "You're not exactly helping."

"I promised to help you by being showy, not helping you through your problems." He said.

I ignored him, looking over at Logan. He and Carlos were talking. An idea struck me and made my knees suddenly weak. "Do you think he likes…Carlos? I asked meekly.

"I swear if he does I'll kill the fucking man-stealing little bastard."

I gave James a look of shock at the sudden tone of furious jealousy and possession.

_He likes Carlos…?_

He glanced at me. "What? I can't have a thing for Latinos?"

I sniggered. "I never said anything." I reminded him.

"Not out loud." He grumbled, turning his head away. I glanced back over at Logan.

He and Carlos were talking while Carlos kept doing his exercise, Logan keeping a keen eye on him. Logan was so cute…I would make up epic plans and execute them perfectly just so, when we were celebrating, I could wrap my arms around him even momentarily and it wouldn't mean anything.

Well, not to him, at least.

But to me, it kept me grinning.

Dammit, I was getting soft. Not that I minded being soft for Logan, but still. I wasn't used to being…

Soft.

**FF AN HOUR**

-Logan's POV-

I rubbed my shoulder, groaning. "I hate Gustavo."

"Diddo." Kendall grumbled from his position, upside down on the couch.

"Isn't all your blood rushing to your head?" James asked, lazily raising an eyebrow at his boyfriend.

"Yup." The blonde sighed.

"Hey, guys!" Carlos called from the next room. He ran in, holding up a medium-sized box. "Look what we got in the mail!"

"How are you still hyper?" I asked incredulously.

"What's in the box?" James asked, sitting up. Carlos strutted – yes, _strutted_ – over and set it on the table.

"No clue!" He declared. "Anyone got a pocketknife?" He asked, grinning at us.

Kendall did that little huff-laugh he did when he found something funny even though he knew it wasn't funny for other people. "A pocketknife?"

Those 'other people' being me.

"Woah. Hold up, Carlos. You don't need a pocketknife." I said slowly, standing up. I walked over to the drawer and took out a pair of scissors, handing them to the Latino. "Use something safer."

"How'd you know scissors were in there?" Kendall asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Are you hiding something from us?" James asked, tipping his head to the side and raising his eyebrows. Something in his tone told me that he was only half joking.

I sighed, rolling my eyes. "Carlos, you tell them."

"He's hiding his baggage behind a thin veil. Doesn't want us to know. Blah." Carlos explained.

"That's not what I wanted you to explain, but okay…" I muttered, going back to sitting next to Kendall.

"Baggage?" The blonde teen asked, his face retreating into that passive smile-like expression that he used to hid his emotions.

"Don't." I warned him.

"Fine." He sighed, pulling himself up in a big sit up. He froze halfway. "Oh God. Bad idea." He choked out.

My phone started ringing. "James, take care of Kendall. I gotta take this." I said as I stood up, walking into the next room. "Hello?"

"Where are you dogs?" Gustavo shouted into my ear. "Five hours harmonizing! Now!"

The line went dead.

I walked back in, rubbing my ear. "C'mon, guys. Gustavo wants us harmonizing." I told them. They groaned and stood up.

"Why'd he call you?" James whined.

"Maybe because I always have my phone on whereas you guys always leave them off." I pointed out, smiling in triumph.

They looked stumped for a comeback.

"Geez, Logan. You a verbal ninja or something?" Carlos asked, laughing.

"Yes. I am the most ninja of all ninjas at the Palm Woods." I said sarcastically.

Carlos giggled as he and James started walking in front of Kendall and I. "Wait!" He suddenly cried. "We forgot to open the box!"

"Carlos, calm down. We'll open it when we get home." James said.

Carlos pouted. "Fine…" He said. He then launched into a new topic with James.

"You're being awfully quiet." I said, looking over at Kendall.

He looked up from the floor and at me. "Just thinking." He said.

"About what?" I asked.

He glanced over at James and Carlos. He looked back at me, putting a hand on my shoulder. "Logan…" He started. He paused and took a deep breath. I felt a surge of confusion, fear, and just a hint of want wash over me as he turned those perfect green eyes so they were staring into my own eyes. "I know you don't want help. But just know that I'm here for you. We all are. And it's okay to have secrets. Just be careful. Promise me that. Please."

His voice was low and steady. It was a tone I'd rarely heard before, and it sent shivers down my back.

I couldn't say no.

I nodded. "I promise." I said, my throat suddenly dry.

His face relaxed, still looking a little serious. He pulled me into a hug. "Thanks." He said.

I wanted to melt into the hug. I wanted to say something. I wanted to let him know I wasn't brain dead. But I knew if James came back and saw us like that…

I couldn't do that. I had principles.

I gently pushed him away. "C'mon," I muttered, turning away to hide my blush. "We have harmonizing to do."

The shattering sound of my heart was practically audible as I walked away.

-Kendall's POV-

I shuffled after him. _Stop this, Kendall!_ I yelled at myself. _Follow your fucking policy and 'be yourself'!_

I took a deep breath, straightened, and smiled at Logan. "Come on, Logie! We gotta catch up!"

What We Could Be.

The fucking irony. Not that I wasn't a fan of irony. I loved it.

Just not when it happened to me and my love life.

When we were flipping through the packet, singing along to the music under our breaths, Logan let out a small chuckle at his part in the bridge.

"Ah, the irony…" He muttered.

So he found this song ironic, too? I looked at his part.

_You run around my head_

_You make me go brain dead_

_Could you speak up?_

_Can't hear you over my heart speed up_

I raised an eyebrow. So…

He liked someone?

I bit my lip to keep from crying out in agony. The agony pulsed from my heart, spreading everywhere in my body and mind and soul, shutting off all other thoughts.

Damn stress-induced momentary brain death!

**Wow…that was…extremely OOC. And corny. Anyone else find that corn? Did anyone eat it, if you get the metaphor? (It's nothing perverted, imonlygonnabreakurheart, so kiss my ass.)**

**Well. Uh…hi. Hope you liked it. Rate, review, whatever. Not a big deal in my mind. I just hope you liked it. And read next week's update.**

**Speaking of that, I've already started chapter 3. That's when it starts getting…explicit-ish. If you only like fluff…stop reading. I'm just protecting your innocence. :D**

**Kendall: Oh, trust me, Distopian Heart…people wouldn't read your stories if they cared about their innocence.**

**I only have one story, dumbass.**

**Logan: *rolls eyes* Maybe, but it's slash. Don't get too cocky.**

**James: SNAP!**

**Shut up, Hollywood party king of Hollywood.**

**Carlos: Yes. Yes we are.**

**Well…I'm gonna leave them alone now. They're pissing me off. Bye.**


	3. Logan's Schedule

**Hey! Guess what? A friend of mine from Quizilla is on here and she loved the story! And I'd squeal, but I really don't have the energy. I just stuffed myself to the brim with Cheesecake Factory shit. **

**Let's see…uh…nothing much has happened. But hey! Surprise chapter! Yay!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush! Trust me! If I did, there wouldn't be a need to write this! We'd all be getting our daily dose of gay just by watching it! (Not that I don't with Big Time Crib, but you catch my drift.)**

**Warnings: Yaoi, slash, guy on guy, that genre! Foul language and later on some serious, explicit smexing. No likey, no read-y!**

_My tongue darted out and dragged across his neck. I brought the patch of skin into my mouth, licking and sucking. Yes, I was purposely marking him. I didn't want anyone else, man or woman, to look at him._

_He was mine._

_The whole world should know that._

"_Aaaahh…K-Ken…please…" He whimpered, back arching into an almost painful angle under my fingers._

_Smirking, I pulled away. "Please what, Logie?"_

_He sucked in a breath, biting his lip. "S-stop…teasing…"_

_He didn't have to tell me twice._

I jolted awake, stuffing my face in my pillows. I felt a certain warmth leave my body and knew I'd have to do another secret load of laundry.

I sighed, going limp. The dreams were getting worse. Well, more vivid is what I mean.

I still couldn't believe it. He liked someone. God knew who it was, but I sure as hell didn't.

I sighed. I was going insane out of love for someone who was probably straight.

_Fun_.

Not.

I glared up at the ceiling, waiting for my breathing to calm. An ocean of emotion was overwhelming me, and I could feel my breath and time run out…

A pillow hit me in the side of the face. I looked over and saw James.

He took out an earbud. "You're finally awake!" He whisper-called.

"No," I started in the same volume with a sarcastic tone. "My eyes are just open and I'm talking. I'm obviously asleep."

His expression turned sour. "You know, sarcasm hurts." He said.

"Like I care." I shifted uncomfortably. "What do you want, anyway?" I asked.

"I wanna stop being bored." He replied. I looked over at the nearest clock and saw that it was four in the morning. "I woke up at two. Been trying to go back to sleep since."

"Well, I don't know what to do. Listen to some slow shit. Or something." I suggested, turning so my back was to him.

"That's almost all that's on here." He retorted. I raised an eyebrow at the wall, even though my eyes were closed.

"Say what now?" I asked.

"Well, last night I borrowed Logan's iPod. And it seems like he's really been into sad song's and rap and-"

I cut him off by running over, snatching the iPod away and turning away from him. I looked through the recently played list. Yup, slow raps and sad songs galore.

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Did you _borrow_ this?" I asked, drawing out every word. "Or did you steal it?"

"No, I asked him and he gave it to me. But what's that smell?" Realization dawned on his face. It scrunched up in disgust. "Oh, dude! Gross! Can't you jack off on your own time?"

"I was sleeping, dumbass. I couldn't control myself." I muttered, staring at the most played song.

My Immortal by Evanescence.

I gulped, shaking my head slightly to myself. I'd talk to him in the morning.

"Just make sure you give that back to him tomorrow." I growled, setting the device on the nightstand.

"Uh…yeah, sure…" James said, sounding like he wanted to ask me a question.

But I was too submerged.

And now…I wasn't sure I wanted to get saved.

**FF TO THE NEXT DAY**

-Logan's POV-

Kendall walked into the room and flopped down face first on the couch. He groaned something incoherent.

I just chuckled softly. "Classy." I joked.

He turned over onto his back. Looking around, he raised an eyebrow. "It's strangely quiet in here…"

"That's because we're alone." I said. He shot me a look that clearly stated confusion. "We have the day off. James and Carlos are off at the pool, annoying Freight Train just to see if he'll pick up Carlos. And your mom and sister are having a girls' day out." I explained.

"So you've just been sitting here alone in complete silence?" Kendall asked, eyes wide and voice drenched in incredulousness.

I shrugged. "I watched the news for a while." As if that excuse would work on Kendall.

He stood up, face stony. He grabbed me by the elbow. "C'mon. Jam session. Now." He started dragging me away.

"What?" I yelped. "Kendall! Let me go!" It was out of habit that I said that, otherwise I wouldn't have said a word.

But suddenly, his – rather large, may I add – hand was no longer wrapped around my arm. Instead, he was bent down in front of the iHome that stood on the table next to the kitchen door, looking for a song.

My eyes traveled down to his ass. He was wearing skinny jeans, so it was just that much more prominent. I unconsciously licked my lips, blushing. I turned my head, covering my face from the eyes down to hide my blush. Jesus Christ, I was crazy. Chasing – well, if you call it that; I hadn't voiced many abnormal tendencies lately, to anyone – after a guy who had a boyfriend.

Fuck.

But still…

He has a nice ass.

I'm allowed to think that.

He stood up, just as Dead! by My Chemical Romance came on. I thankfully realized that this wasn't my iPod.

That would end disastrously.

Kendall started dancing along to the beat, doing a combination of the Jerk and playing the air guitar. I laughed softly at him.

Of course, I was too busy thinking about how adorable he looked dancing that I didn't notice him grab my arm and spin me onto the makeshift dance floor.

"Woah!" I yelped, grabbing onto the couch for support. I smirked at him playfully.

One thought ran through our minds and out our mouths.

"DANCE OFF!"

-James's POV-

I helped Carlos out of the dumpster, still chuckling.

He had a sour pout on his face. "Well. That ended badly." He said, brushing some trash off his clothes.

"Could've ended worse." I said, shrugging. He laughed, tapping his helmet twice like he does.

"I could've handled it!" He cried.

I laughed. "C'mon. We should get back to 2J." I suggested.

He smiled. "Sure!" He cried. "Race you there!"

"Oh, you are _so_ on!" I challenged. And off we ran.

We burst into 2J to see Logan trying – and failing – to do the worm while Kendall was banging his head insanely while manically playing a sick nasty air guitar to a metal song pulsing through the room.

The two of them looked up at us.

"Dance off!" They explained breathily.

Carlos and I grinned. "I'm in!" We said in unison.

**FF TO LATER THAT NIGHT**

-Katie's POV-

"Remind me never to go shopping with you ever again." I groaned.

"Oh, come on! We got some cute outfits!" Mom said, smiling as she got out the key to the apartment.

"Yes," I started in a sarcastic tone. "Because I just _love_ pink."

Mom 'tsk'd as she opened the door. We saw the boys lying in random places all over the room.

Kendall was hanging off the tipped-over couch, Logan was lying on the floor with only his feet and legs sticking out from the kitchen, Carlos was curled up at the end of the swirly slide, and James was lying on his ack on the coffee table.

"Dance off?" I guessed.

"Yup." They all confirmed in unison.

I nodded. "Thought so." I said, turning and heading to my room.

-Kendall's POV-

"So, who won?" My mom asked, looking around.

"Carlos." James, Logan, and I replied simultaneously.

"Freakin' little ball of energy." Logan grumbled bitterly. I chuckled lightly.

"You know you love me." Carlos sniggered. "Admit it. Your lives would be boring without me."

"Actually!" I interjected, throwing my hand up in the air. "I distinctly remember our lives before you moved to Minnesota."

"And?" Carlos pushed.

"And…Logan held us back more often." I finished, my hand flopping down onto my chest.

"Thank you! I'll be here all week!" Logan cried comically. We all laughed.

I realized vaguely that he was becoming more and more…

_Confident._

In a way, it was wicked hot. If he was confident, he would be a step closer to smirking. I'd only seen that smirk once before. I had gone home that night and jacked off with that smirk rolling through my mind over and over. But another part of me wanted the cute, innocent, angelic, pure, fidgety Logan I'd known since kindergarten.

I could only guess what had made him so confident.

**FF**

I sighed, bored out of my mind. I wanted to sleep, yes, but something was holding me back.

And I had no fucking idea what it was. I mean, sure, my mind was always wandered to Logan and his crush. Part of me had suggested his confidence might have been from (possibly) getting laid. And jealousy would course through my veins and a surge of anger would make every muscle and bone in my body tense. But then I would remind myself that, if Logan was happy, I should be happy, too.

Emphasis on _should_.

_Screw it_. I was getting nowhere with these thoughts.

**Well. That took longer than I had expected. But…hope you like this one. Surprised chapter yay!**

**I loves y'all! I truly do!**

**Kendall: Ooh! I love all of you, too!**

**Kendall!**

**Logan: He had a lot of sugar today, dude. Don't mess with that.**

**Oooooh. That explains a lot.**

**James: Yes. Yes it does. It started at breakfast. He had cheesecake. Fucking cheesecake.**

**Wow. Classy, Kendall.**

**Kendall: *looks up from bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch* huh?**

**Carlos: *shakes head* He needs an intervention.**

**Later! Now, I have to do an essay! Good bye, my pets and minions! I love thee! Rate, review, love!**


	4. I Met Someone

**Yup. It's me. Sorry it's so late, I was working on something else and lost track of time. O.o Anyway, I have to agree with Clarry. Kendall has a lemon-flavored mind. But so does Logan. I think you'll see that in this chapter. ;P Well. I think it's time to tell you…**

**More drama will be piling up.**

**Yes! More drama than what's already been going on! Trust me, you will not be able to keep yourself from jumping off your ass and shouting at the computer, "OH SNAP! OH FUCKING SNAP! NO! JUST—NO! FUCKING NO!"**

**Have fun reading.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush! Trust me! If I did, there wouldn't be a need to write this! We'd all be getting our daily dose of gay just by watching it! (Not that I don't with Big Time Crib, but you catch my drift.)**

**Warnings: Yaoi, slash, guy on guy, that genre! Foul language and later on some serious, explicit smexing. No likey, no read-y!**

_Hoo…_

Jump.

_Cricket, cricket._

Flinch.

Dammit! I always got so jumpy when I did this! Why was I doing it?

_Ugh. I shouldn't have to go through this shit just to buy new songs… _I thought warily, slumping down in the chair.

Almost inhumanly fast, I logged into my account on the computer. As it loaded, my leg started vibrating out of nervousness.

Yes, I was buying some new songs on iTunes. And yes, I was doing so at one in the morning. Why?

Because if my friends knew what type of music I listened to, they would immediately think I was emo. Which I wasn't. I mean, sure, I had thought about cutting, but I had decided against it.

I didn't really need the extra stress.

I opened iTunes and clicked on 'iTunes Store'. Pausing, I debated whether to get more upbeat songs just to keep my friends from worrying if they somehow found out.

But, for some reason, that stuff just didn't appeal to me much anymore.

"Logan?"

I froze. Oh shit. Shit, shit, shit. I glanced behind me. Kendall was standing there, leaning against the counter. I closed out of iTunes while trying to distract him. "H-hey, Kendall. Didn't see you there. Uh, w…what's up, man?" I stuttered.

He tipped his head to the side, his face remaining passive. "I have evidence that you've been coming out here maybe three days a week. And I finally catch you in the act." He shifted slightly to set a mug of coffee on the counter next to him. I couldn't help but see that his sweat pants were hanging so low on his waist that I could see his black boxers.

I gulped dryly.

He walked over and sat down in the chair next to me. "C'mon, Logan. I know you. You don't like keeping secrets. Why sneak around at night just to buy songs?" He asked.

I looked anywhere but his face. "I-I…um…" I snapped. "I'm gonna go to bed!" As I backed out, I waved at the blonde. "Night!" I shut the door. Pressing my back against the door, I breathed heavily.

Oh, shiz nauts…

**FF TO THE NEXT NIGHT**

"Why do we need a limo?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Because we're in Hollywood, so we may as well ride in style!" James cried in response.

"I like your way of thinking, James." Carlos sniggered, diving headfirst into the long black vehicle. I groaned, covering my eyes with my hand.

I shook my head. "This isn't going to end well." I warned.

Kendall placed a hand on my shoulder gently. "It's one party, one night, and one chance we've got to do this. C'mon. Don't do it for the chance." He said in a pleading tone. His eyebrows scrunched together. "Do it for you."

I paused, staring at him. Finally, I sighed. "Fine." I decided. He grinned and jumped into the car after his boyfriend. As I walked in, slower than my friends, I couldn't help but cast a grateful look at Kendall. I really appreciated him not mentioning last night.

_But if you thank him, you're bringing it up!_ Inner girl.

_So? You don't have to talk about it._ Optimist.

_You two are both wrong. Let's face it. He caught you. In more way than one. _Reality check.

Luckily for me, Kendall replied with a barely-noticeable nod. I looked away and out the window.

I mean, I know that, back in Minnesota, I would join in on their partying phases. I would go with them to crash parties. But Jesus Christ, I never thought I'd ever crash a _Hollywood_ party! Especially not in a fucking limo!

"This is gonna be _awesome_!" James sang, turning up the music. He turned to Carlos, grabbing him by the shoulders. "This will be perfect training for our careers as Hollywood party kings of Hollywood!"

Carlos grinned. "Hells yes it will!" He shouted. They high-fived in excitement.

Kendall looked over at his boyfriend and laughed. "You're acting like you're twelve years old." He said.

"Well maybe my maturity didn't develop past that age!" James laughed.

"That would explain a lot." I said, half laughing.

"It would," Kendall agreed.

**FF TO THE CLUB**

"Come _on_, Logan! We're here to party!" Carlos whined, shaking my shoulder.

I brushed him off. "I'll join you guys later. I'm gonna need a few drinks."

He sighed, but ran off to join James and Kendall. I could hear him yell, "Wait up, guys!"

I ordered a beer. As soon as it was in front of me, I downed half of it. I cringed slightly at the taste, but I really just wanted to drown my worries. I took another, smaller sip.

"Hey, slow down. You're going to hurt yourself if you drink that too fast."

I looked over and saw someone sitting next to me. He looked about seventeen, and when I saw him, a vague _ping! _set off in my mind. I shrugged. "Whatever. Don't have much to lose." I lied.

The guy laughed slightly, playing with his beer bottle. "That's bullshit. But if you really think that, fine. Your life." He took a sip of his beer, then held out his hand to me. "John Andrews. You are?"

I shook his hand. "Logan Mitchell." I said, smiling. He smiled back.

"Hey, we both have two first names." He pointed out. I laughed.

**TWO DRINKS LATER**

"So, what are planning on doing about him?" John asked, slurring slightly.

"I'm not." I replied, holding in a burp.

"What?" John cried. "You _gotta_ have a plan! Get revenge!"

I rolled my eyes. "How exactly would I do that?"

He smirked. "I can help you out."

I rolled my eyes. "I doubt he'll even notice. I'm not his type."

"How do you know?" He asked.

"Because he's dating someone and they're nothing like me." I shrugged.

"Boy or girl?"

"Boy."

"Hey, it's one step closer to being his type."

"That's the benefit I thought of!" I cried. We laughed.

-Kendall's POV-

"I can't believe you." James sighed.

"Shut up!" I hissed, my eyes locked on target. "…Are they _flirting_?" I asked incredulously.

"How am I supposed to know? I can't hear them." He groaned.

"I swear they're flirting." I said, twelve feet into my Panic Mode. If I lost Logan, I didn't know what I'd do. And I knew for sure that if he actually had someone in his life…

"Kendall. Stop freaking out." I felt a hand on my shoulder. I shrugged it off, watching intently.

Just then, the dude next to Logan slipped his hand beneath the bar. Logan blushed and laughed, pushing him off. I could see him mouth, "Get off, you perv!"

That did it.

"James, get Carlos. We're going home." I growled, standing up. I stalked over to them. "Hey, Logan!" I said in a pleasant voice, sitting on his other side. "We're getting ready to leave."

Logan's eyes widened. He glanced over at the other dude. With extremely little movement, they nodded at each other. He looked back at me, smiling. "Uh, really? So soon? I was having fun!"

"Yeah, we were, too. But we're pretty sure we saw some dude recognize us." I lied.

He looked panicked. "Oh, shit. Um, okay. Hold up a sec." He stood up from his chair and looked at the dude. "I am _wicked_ sorry about this, John." He said.

"Don't worry about it, Loges." John protested calmly, smiling. He took out his wallet and plucked a card from it. He handed it to Logan. "It's my business card. Call, text, come by my place of work, whatever. I'm up twenty three hours a day."

Logan stared at the card for a second before looking up at John. "Johnny, that's not healthy."

I twitched. They had _nicknames_ for each other. I was going to kill this guy…

John laughed. "If there was any one word to describe my life, it would either be _fun_," Logan laughed, "or unhealthy. Choose your favorite." He smirked at Logan.

Logan giggled. "Nice." He turned to me. "Alright! Let's go before Gustavo kills us!" The grin on his face said it all.

He was happy.

Drunk, but happy.

I nodded, faking a smile. I turned around to see James and Carlos standing there. I jumped slightly. "Jesus Christ, guys! Don't do that!" I yelled.

"You're drunk." James told me over the loud music. "And we need to go home." He wrapped an arm around my shoulders and led me towards the exit. Carlos and Logan were close behind us.

In the car, James sat next to me, Carlos was sitting on the opposite side, and Logan was sitting in an odd, secluded corner. He took out his phone and stared at it for a while.

-Logan's POV-

I stared at my phone. Should I get revenge or not?

Would it even be considered revenge?

I mean, it's not like Kendall had known that I had such extreme feelings for him. He didn't know that, by dating James, he was making me feel like I was in internal agony every day. It's not like he was in spite of me.

_But I'm sure the look on his face will be priceless…_

"Logan?"

I looked up at my friends. James and Carlos were discussing something deeply. No surprise there. But then my gaze landed on Kendall. He looked concerned.

"You okay? You look like you're contemplating something." He said.

"I'm not gonna lie to you, man." I sighed, glancing back at my phone. "I am."

"Well, what are you contemplating?" He asked.

I gulped. "Uh…" I coughed.

Sliding down a bit in my chair, I made a snap decision.

I smiled up at him, willing a blush. "I met someone."

**Uh…**

**Well. Are you screaming yet? Are you in emotional pain yet? **** Sorry about that whole chapter. And they seem to be getting shorter… o.O**

**Kendall: … *stares at Logan* WHY?**

**Logan: Because I have a devious vixen side. *winks***

**Kendall: *twitches***

**Ooohh…it's getting hot and sweaty up in here. ;P**

**Carlos: Distopian Heart! Kendall! Intervention! Now!**

**James: It's for his own good!**

**No, no. Ssssshhh…Logan's teasing Kendall. This is a once-in-a-lifetime viewing chance. *eats popcorn***

**James: Oh really? What if Carlos and I started making out in front of you?**

**Carlos: *secret longing glance***

…**I would do the intervention next chapter.**

**James: *makes out with Carlos***

***eyes widen* *watches* *slowly eats popcorn* Rate, review, whatever…**


	5. Kicking It Up A Notch

**Yes. I am back. And I'm not on time again. Fuck. So just start expecting these either on Friday or Saturday. Blah. So, I've been thinking. I think I would be a good lawyer. Why, you may ask?**

**Because I like exploiting the legal system for money.**

**Have I done that yet?**

**No. But that doesn't matter. Yet. Anyway, this chapter took a bit longer than I had expected it to. Mostly because I had a few ideas, but they were scattered and undeveloped and I didn't want to disappoint my loving fans and minions.**

**Oh, just a little something. I don't know if you are, but I would appreciate it if you would look at the chapter titles. They don't mean anything, but they're somehow connected to the actual chapter content. Especially this one… ;)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush! Trust me! If I did, there wouldn't be a need to write this! We'd all be getting our daily dose of gay just by watching it! (Not that I don't with Big Time Crib, but you catch my drift.)**

**Warnings: Yaoi, slash, guy on guy, that genre! Foul language and later on some serious, explicit smexing. No likey, no read-y!**

_I really don't think we should be doing this…_

_Well, I won't force you into anything._

_Thank you. That's a relief._

_Thought so. But I never said I would push myself into certain matters… ;)_

_Sexy._

_Really?_

_No._

_Damn._

I gulped. It was just a short part of their conversation via text, but it could have been worse.

Oh, god. I was losing Logan _and _my sanity!

Over the past couple of weeks, he would leave to hang out with _John_ (ugh) more and more. It seemed like he left whenever possible. He would leave for hours on end, then return, and just retreat into his room without a word.

One day, after around two weeks, I turned to Camille for help.

"I just don't know what to do!" I cried. "I don't want to hurt him, but _Jesus Christ_, man! Does he not see that I'm having daily nervous breakdowns?"

Camille put a hand on my shoulder. "Sweetie, no offense, but you may have brought this upon yourself." She said gently.

I looked at her. "How?"

"Well, you could have just asked him out. Instead, you ended up just pushing him away." She gave me a sympathetic look.

Suddenly, I got an idea, as I did often. "I have an idea." I stated. I turned to Camille. "Thank you." I said it deliberately.

She looked confused. "Um…you're welcome?"

I grinned and stood up, rushing off to 2J to find the rest of Big Time Rush.

**FF**

-Logan's POV-

I was reading a book quietly on the couch while Carlos and James were zoning out watching New Moon on HBO.

I almost laughed whenever I looked up at James and saw him pressing a pillow to his face with tears in his eyes.

Seriously, how did I ever think he was straight?

Suddenly, the door burst open. Knowing it was Kendall, I only glanced up to steal another longing look, one out of millions.

What he did…

_Surprised_ me, to say the least.

He walked up to James, leaned down, and pecked him on the cheek, his eyes glued to the TV screen. "New Moon, huh? Cute." He smiled down at his sandy-haired boyfriend. Said brunette looked up at the blonde, facing the opposite wall than me, so I couldn't see his expression.

-Kendall's POV-

Yes.

That was my plan.

To kick it up a few notches. More like five. Maybe seven.

It sent a pang of agony shuddering through my heart to brush my lips against James' cheek and act like it didn't mean anything, but it was possible. When I straightened, James looked up at me, his eyes glittering with only one question.

_What the fuckin' fuck?_

I gave him a fake smile as my only reply. He raised an eyebrow, but understood what I was trying to initiate. He scooted over a little and made room for me. I sat down next to him, wrapping my arm around his shoulders.

At that moment, Logan chose to snap his book closed and stand up. "See ya." He said, walking over to his room.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Carlos cried, pausing the TV. "Where does the genius think he's going?" He asked in an almost condescending tone.

Logan froze slightly at the door to their room, as if thinking of an answer. "Somewhere with less noise and hot, half naked men." He opened the door and walked in, closing it tightly.

Carlos gritted his teeth, glaring at the door. He looked at James and I. "You don't have to answer this, but please just tell me you recognize the elephant in the room."

He didn't wait for a reply. He just turned the movie back on.

I didn't pay attention to the suckish, no-depth-plot, and retarded vampire movie. I was staring at the door, realizing that what Camille had said was truer than I had realized.

-Logan's POV-

Sitting on my bed, I stared at my book. Fuck, it didn't interest me anymore.

Kendall and James had been a step above prudish for _weeks_. The closest their lips had ever been was when James had tripped over a sleeping Carlos and landed on Kendall. They had laughed it off, hugging, then stood up and woke the Latino up.

And now this?

This was like, if Katie brought Tyler home and started making out with him in front of all of us.

_Not good._

Suddenly, my phone rang. The song was the song Toxic by Britney Spears. Guess who it was set for. John had set it himself, and I didn't have the heart to change it. Only at that moment did I truly appreciate the way that, whenever I hung out with John, he would blast up the volume to seven out of seven.

The other guys could hear it.

I smirked, silently thanking John. The big perv had his moments. I finally answered. "Hello?"

**FF**

-Kendall's POV-

It was about half an hour after the movie. I had gotten pretty hungry, so I was eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch on the couch while watching TV and occasionally petting James' hair, whose head was in my lap.

And then, Logan walked out of his room. He smiled at us. "Aw! You guys are so cute!" He gushed. He laughed at himself. "Wow, that was girly." He said, continuing towards the door.

"Where you going?" I asked, trying to sound aloof.

"John says he has something to show me." He replied, taking out his phone. He quirked an eyebrow. "He says it's 'big and I'll love it'."

I choked slightly on my cereal. I shot James a look that said _'is he really _that_ naive?'_ James replied with a wide-eyed look that said '_I thought he was the smart one!'_

Logan shrugged. "Whatever. I'll be back in a few hours." When he opened the door, it revealed Carlos reaching for the doorknob.

Said Latino raised an eyebrow. "John?"

Logan smiled. "He has a present for me!" He ran off.

Carlos stared at the door as he stepped in. "…I bet he does." He muttered, turning to us. He froze, his eyes fixed to somewhere I couldn't tell. "Well. Didn't expect that." He coughed, then retreated to his room.

James paused. "Can we stop this act for the night?" He finally asked.

"Fine." I responded, shifting away from him. He straightened and stood up.

"I'm gonna practice What We Can Be for a while before bed, okay?" He announced.

"Just don't stay up to late, you hear me?" I said, not looking at him. My brain was still trying to wrap around the fact that…that…Logan…John…wah!

"Yeah, yeah." I could practically hear James rolling his eyes.

I flicked my gaze up to him. "I mean it, James. I'll be in at about midnight. Be asleep by then."

He sighed heavily. "_Fine_." He trudged into his room. When his door closed, Carlos' door opened. He poked his head in.

"Hey, I need to talk to you." He said.

I looked up at him. "Uh…sure. What's up?" I put my cereal down. Seemed like the universe was against me eating it.

"Um…it's kinda hard to say…" He said, looking uncomfortable. He shifted his weight from foot to foot.

I patted the couch next to me. "C'mon. You know you can talk to me." I said. I smiled for good measure.

He sat down on the other side of the couch. "You…" He took a deep breath. "You like Logan."

I was glad I wasn't eating anymore.

'Cause if I was, I would've died choking.

"I know you do! I've seen the way you look at him!" He hissed, his fist clenching around an unfortunate pillow.

I finally found my voice. "And?" I tried to sound like I wasn't freaking out.

"You're not _really _dating James! Don't you think that's a little unfair to all three of you?"

I shrugged. "Maybe. What's your point?"

He groaned. "My _point_ is that you should get over your damn self and just get Logan before he hurts himself with John. But _no_. The first time you've _ever_ been shy in your _entire fucking life_ is now, even though he's about to lose his virginity!"

"Okay!" I finally snapped. "I get it! I fucked up! Jesus, I already knew that! Don't rub it in my fucking face!"

"I just felt it needed to be said out loud for you to get it." He huffed, standing up and walking away.

I groaned and glared at the ceiling. "Fuck you, God…"

**FF TO THE NEXT MORNING**

Walking into the kitchen, I yawned leisurely. When I looked around, I saw that only James and Carlos were sitting there. "Where's Logan?"

"Didn't come home." Carlos growled. James' stare hardened at the table. I clenched my fists.

We all cared about him, and we felt kind of guilty that we would practically let someone – someone _older_, to boot – screw him.

I was the well-known pervert of the group. And it was also well known that I was protective of Logan (for some _strange_ and _unknown_ reason). It was easy to understand why I'd be mad. James had his reasons to be pissed, too. He was the "metro" one of the group. It was hard for him sometimes, but Logan would always know how to dispel rumors and verbally kick ass. James had some unreachable scores to settle. And Carlos – well, he and Logan had been close lately. I guessed it was because of James' and my fake relationship.

Basically, Logan was the stained glass portrait that we couldn't let shatter in our minds.

"Well, I'll say it if no one else does." I announced. "My mom is going to kill us."

James laughed humorlessly. "Are you kidding me? She's more protective of him than you! She'll bite our heads off if she even hears a snippet of _John this_ or _John that_."

"I realize this!" Carlos and I snapped.

Just then, the door burst open. The three of us looked up. Logan was literally dancing into the apartment, a suspicious almost-limp hindering him. He collapsed on the couch.

"Yes!" He squealed.

"Uh…hey, Logie!" I called, my voice cracking uncertainly.

His head poked up above the couch. "Morning!" He sang.

"Um…you're…happy…" Carlos said hesitantly.

Logan grinned. "Hell yeah I am! Oh, you'll never guess what happened last night!"

"I think we have an idea." James scoffed under his breath. I elbowed him.

"What, uh…what happened, dude?" I asked politely.

Logan blushed. "Uh…John and I…" He turned his head to the side, accidentally revealing a dark mark on his neck. I felt my cereal from last night boil up to my throat.

Oh, god.

Jesus Christ.

Jesus fucking Christ.

"Hey, um…we should get going soon, huh?" James coughed awkwardly.

"Ooh, hold on! Gotta go get changed!" As Logan stood up and ran over – with a slight limp – to his room, I saw that the shirt he was wearing wasn't the shirt he had been wearing last night.

And that was when it truly hit me.

_I fucked up._

**Well…there was some more stuff I wanted to add. But those will have to wait until next chapter. Boo hoo. **

**Logan: *coughs pointedly***

**Ah, yes. Your boyfriend. *turns to Kendall* Kendall.**

**Kendall: *looks up from Royal Pains* Yeeeeessss?**

**Carlos: Stop with the sugar, dude!**

**James: You're only gonna hurt yourself!**

**Logan: I swear to God, I can't even stand up on my own anymore.**

***closes eyes* TMI, Logan. TMI.**

**Logan: *shrugs***

**Kendall: I'm not going overboard or anything.**

**Carlos: That's exactly what you're doing, dude.**

**Kendall: No, it's not!**

**Yes, it is!**

**Logan: You won't be able to touch me until you're twenty days low.**

**Low?**

**Logan: You know how it's called a sugar high? Well, if he gets high on sugar, and I want him to not do it anymore, I'm gonna call it low.**

**James: Makes sense.**

**Yeah. Does Kendall agree?**

**Kendall: *in the midst of a nervous breakdown***

**Aw! He loves you that much, Logie!**

**Logan: …I have worse threats.**

**Carlos, James, and I: OH SHNAP!**

**Kendall: *faints* … *wakes up* Okay, I'll quit.**

**Sweet, dude.**


	6. Flashes Of Memory

**Hey! Yes, I be back! This chapter's kinda long, but only because I had a lot planned for this one. Oh, and just FYI, the nickname Loges is pronounced as the first syllable of Logan's name, and then end it with a 'z' sound. Just for later in the chapter… ;)**

**Also, I'm trying to set something up. The BTR Family! Let's assign the roles, shall we? Logan: mom! Kendall: dad! Carlos: son! James: son's boyfriend who avoids Carlos' 'parents' but cares for Carlos like no one can! At the moment, I'm trying to make it sound like Logan and Kendall are 'divorced', Carlos is around ten years old, and James is just the best friend.**

**Ugh, I'm in pain. Mostly because I hurt myself on Saturday. Don't worry, it won't affect the story…I hope. xD Nah, I'm kidding. I hurt my leg, not my arms. And then, of course, I went and got my eye hurt. My right eye accidentally met someone's wrist. In gym class, no less. Bleh.**

**Anyway! Try not to hate me because of this chapter…I know all of you Kendall and Carlos fans are going to be devastated. **** But I needed to do this.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush! Trust me! If I did, there wouldn't be a need to write this! We'd all be getting our daily dose of gay just by watching it! (Not that I don't with Big Time Crib, but you catch my drift.)**

**Warnings: Yaoi, slash, guy on guy, that genre! Foul language and later on some serious, explicit smexing. No likey, no read-y!**

"I said _no_, Carlos!"

I sighed, watching Kendall fail at calming Carlos down.

"Kendall," I intervened, stepping closer. "Let me handle this." The blonde shot me a confused look, but stood up and stepped back. I knelt down next to Carlos. "Hey, little guy." I greeted in a soft tone.

Carlos looked up at me. "Hi, Logan." He said back, sounding like a little kid. Happy tenth birthday again, Carlos.

I put a hand on his shoulder gently. "Listen. I know, what with your parents fighting all the time when you were growing up, seeing us fight must be stressful to you. It's stressful to us, too." I sent a glare-glance at Kendall, who looked guilty.

"That doesn't make me feel better." Carlos muttered. I turned back to him with a sympathetic look.

"I know it doesn't, honey. I know it doesn't." I sighed. I glanced down at his feet and saw a toy he wanted to get. "Hey, I have an idea!" I said, still using a quiet volume. Carlos glanced up at me hopefully. "Kendall and I will get you that toy, okay?"

Carlos paused. "I like that one better." He pointed to the toy in Kendall's hand. I smiled.

"Then we'll get you that one." I complied. I brushed my hand through his hair before standing up facing Kendall. "You better have some money. I left my wallet at the apartment."

He sighed, taking out his wallet. "Yeah, I have some." He looked at me. "He's only going to play with it twice and then throw it with the rest of his junk, you realize."

"Kendall." My voice had a lethal poison dripping from every word.

"Fine!" He hissed, leaning against the wall. I rolled my eyes.

Why did I love him again?

Oh, right, you probably think the whole thing with John was real. Ha. Not a fucking chance. Two reasons, too:

I loved Kendall too much.

John was too old for me. Turns out, he was turning nineteen that winter.

I felt a tug on my pants. I glanced back at Carlos. "Yeah, buddy?"

He held up a comic book. "Can I get this, too?" He asked innocently. I smiled.

"Of course you can." I replied. He grinned.

I glanced at Kendall. _I think we're all a little shaken by that fight…_

**REWIND TEN MINUTES**

"It's my fucking life!" I yelled.

"That's not a reason to be fucking with an older guy, Logan! He's eighteen! I'm pretty sure that's illegal!" Kendall shouted.

"Well, you should've just asked me! Because I'm the fucking encyclopedia of the group!"

"Why are you getting pissed off about that _now_, after years of being the smart one?"

"I'm not!" I seethed. "I'm getting pissed off about the fact that everyone here treats me like a fucking mental case! You tip toe around me and only use me when you're neck deep in shit! And now that I'm finally dating someone, you all go against it! What the fuck?"

"We just don't want you to get hurt!" He cried.

"The only way I'm getting hurt is that you guys don't trust me with my own love life!"

"My fucking god, stop being such a girl!"

"Oh, so now if I have feelings, I'm a girl?"

"That's not what I-"

"Listen, douche bag, I don't give a fuck. It's just your opinion! And you know what they say about opinions?"

"What?"

"They're like assholes, everybody has one!"

"Yeah, well I'm sure yours is being abused and exploited a lot lately!"

_Oh, he did not just go there! _"And I'm sure you like having James' dick up yours!"

We were in the middle of practice. With Griffin, Mrs. Knight, and Katie. Everyone gasped, horrified. Not only was that below the belt, but it was pretty obvious that Kendall was dominant.

But, like I said, I didn't give a fuck.

Next thing I knew, the door was being slammed closed. Glancing around, I saw that Carlos wasn't in the room anymore.

"Aw, crap." Kendall groaned.

**BACK TO NORMAL TIME**

Stepping into the apartment, the tension was palpable. The smell of Mrs. Knight's Stressed-Out-I-Need-To-Bake-To-Take-My-Mind-Off-Things cookies wafted throughout the air.

Kendall heaved a sigh as Carlos ran off to his room. He turned to me. "Listen, Logan." He started. I looked away, ashamed at my previous behavior. God, I was an idiot! "I'm sorry. I know we treat you like you're still fourteen, but you're not and we shouldn't."

"Yeah, well, I shouldn't have gotten so mad just because you're overprotective of me." I said, shrugging. "I've always just done what people said. I guess I just needed to be a rebel once in my life."

He smiled. "I agree. Every teenager goes through that." He paused. "We cool?"

I smiled, nodding. "Yeah. We're cool." I replied.

He opened his arms in invitation. "Hug?"

I laughed slightly bfore complying and hugging him. It felt better than it should have, but for the moment…

It felt amazing.

We separated just as his mom walked into the apartment with her hands full of groceries.

"Oh!" She cried. "You two made up!"

I blushed and looked away while Kendall laughed and confirmed. She grinned.

"Good. You should have seen how torn up James was." She blurted. "He hates seeing you two fight." Kendall tensed.

"What?" He choked out. Before his mom could reply, he was already running to his boyfriend's rescue.

I sighed, flopping down on the couch. "I keep forgetting that they're together." I said to no one in particular.

Mrs. Knight looked at me. "What do you mean, sweetie?" She asked, walking over to me. I looked up at her. She had been more of a mom to me than my own mother.

"I messed up. And I don't know how to fix it." I said. I bit my lip, feeling tears well up in my eyes. "I just feel like…like I missed something."

"Oh, sweetie," she cooed, sitting on the arm of the sofa and running a hand through my hair. "Do you wanna talk about it?"

I shook my head. "You'd hate me." I protested.

"Logan, I could never hate you." She hugged me, rocking back and forth. I let her, knowing that she was the only one who would be willing to comfort me.

-Kendall's POV-

I sighed heavily. "So, you were upset because of Carlos." I summed up.

James looked up from his iPod. "Pretty much." He replied.

I rolled my eyes. "I'm gonna go get some food." I announced, turning towards the door.

"You eat too much. You're gonna get fat." James warned. _Like I care_, I thought, opening the door.

"I messed up. And I don't know how to fix it."

Was that Logan?

I poked my head into the room, just to see what was going on. I saw Logan on the couch, looking forlorn, and my mom standing next to him, like the guardian angel she was for all of us.

He bit his lip as tears came to his eyes. "I just feel like…like I missed something."

"Oh, sweetie," Mom sat on the arm of the couch and ran a hand through his hair. "Do you want to talk about it?"

_Say yes_, I urged silently. _You can't keep secrets forever. You'll hurt yourself. Don't hurt yourself. Not anymore!_

Logan shook his head. "You'd hate me."

"Logan, I could never hate you." My mom said, hugging him. I felt the world around me spin at just how hard this was all hitting me. Logan was hurt…

Why?

Was it…me? Or John? Maybe the mistake was becoming a Big Time Rush as a whole! Maybe he was having regrets about even being friends with us! He said he needed new friends all the time, why wouldn't he be serious?

My throat was suddenly dry. I slunk back to my room. James looked up at me, looking like he was about to make some wry comment, until he saw my face. He blanched.

"Dude…y-you look like you're gonna puke…" He managed.

I shook my head, refusing to admit that he was right. "Just leave. Go talk to Carlos. Do that. Now." I choked out.

He couldn't get out of there fast enough.

I laid down on my bed. I stared at the ceiling, tracing patterns that just weren't there.

Did it start with the fight? How did the _fight_ even start? Oh, Jesus Christ, did I remember?

**FLASHBACK!**

We put on our headphones. I glanced up at Griffin, Mom, and Katie. They all wanted to see how we were doing with our latest song. Gustavo and Kelly looked nervous.

Logan was right next to me. I couldn't help but to blurt, very quietly, "You sure you'll be able to dance?"

He stiffened, then looked at me. "Yeah, dude. I'll be fine."

I furrowed my eyebrows. "Maybe you shouldn't be going out with a guy like John…"

He frowned. "It's none your business, Kendall." He growled warningly.

"Well, maybe I have a problem with that!" I hissed softly.

"Why should you? You're so damn occupied with James, you've distanced the two of you away from everyone else." By the end of the sentence, he was using a normal tone.

"_I've_ been distancing myself?" I cried incredulously. "You can't take five minutes of being in the same room as James and I! Or anyone else, except for John!"

He threw his headphones into Carlos' grasp. "Stay out of my shit, Kendall!" He was getting louder.

Unfortunately, so was I.

"It's not your private business when you go prancing around with hickeys!"

He clenched his fists. "It's my fucking life!"

**END OF FLASHBACK!**

I gulped. Wow, I was a dick.

**FF TO NEXT DAY**

-Katie's POV-

Laughter flooded from Logan's room. I was still kinda shocked from yesterday's fight; it had been pretty intense.

How was he already cool with it?

"No, no, no," I heard him say. "You suck at fruit!" There was a pause. "That…that came out wrong."

"Hell yeah it did." Came the other guy's voice. Part of me wanted to watch them make out with fruit (they had taken all the strawberries and bananas), because, well, gay stuff was hot. But the other part of me knew that this was _Logan_. He was like my second brother!

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. I ran up and opened it to find the other three boys. James had dragged them off shopping, leaving Logan to babysit me while Mom went to find a job.

"They're making out." I announced, turning away and sitting on the couch.

"Who is?" Carlos asked.

"Logan and some other guy. He came in like ten minutes after you left. Then they disappeared into Logan's room with fruit." I explained.

The boys stepped in. "Fruit?" James repeated.

"What did the guy look like?" Kendall interrupted. "Tall, black hair, turquoise streaks, a tattoo on his arm, muscular?"

I nodded. "That'd be him." I replied.

"Dammit!" Kendall hissed, slamming his car keys on the counter.

"What?" Carlos asked. "Who is that?"

Kendall sighed, leaning heavily on the wall. "It's John." He sounded muffled, due to the fact that he was burying his face in his hands.

"Aw, man, you're kidding me!" James whined.

"Maybe one of you should check in on them. Make sure they're not dirtying Carlos' bed." I said suggestively, seemingly absorbed in New Moon.

Carlos turned bright red. "I have _stuff_ under there!" As he ran off, I muttered, "That's what she said."

-Logan's POV-

John was over just to push everyone to believe that we were going out.

Granted, he had been a bit early, and had dragged me into my room, but I guess it convinced Katie.

So, yeah, we were reading some yaoi mangas he had brought over (he likes reading that stuff) and eating fruit. Big whoop.

It wasn't until he tried feeding me that it got raunchy.

I tried pushing him away. "John!" I whined.

He sniggered. "C'mon. If anyone walks in on this, the look on their face will make my day!" He said.

"And here I thought I was special enough to make your day." I retorted. I opened my mouth, signaling that I was going with the plan.

He grinned and popped a strawberry in my mouth. "Don't get me wrong, you are. But it'd be funny!"

I rolled my eyes. "Hilarious." I drawled, swallowing the strawberry. Damn, those were good strawberries…

_I wonder what it'd be like if it was Kendall feeding you those berries…_

I tried to ignore the thought.

Suddenly, another, different fruit was being shoved down my throat. I recognized the taste of a banana.

I nearly choked, on either the fruit or the sheer irony. "No, no, no," I panted once I could breathe again, "you suck at fruit!"

John stared at me. I blushed, suddenly realizing what I had said.

"That…that came out wrong." I said. He smirked.

"Hell yeah it did." He suddenly pounced on top of me.

I squirmed. "Dude! Get off!" I hissed.

"It's to psych out your friends." He whispered.

I stopped squirming. "What?" I hissed.

"Wait for it."

Suddenly, I heard it.

"They're making out." That was Katie…

"Who is?" Carlos…

"Logan and some other guy. He came in like ten minutes after you left. Then they disappeared into Logan's room with fruit." Katie again.

"Fruit?" James.

"What'd the guy look like?" Kendall! "Tall, black hair, turquoise streaks, a tattoo on his arm, muscular?"

"That'd be him." Katie replied.

"Dammit!"

John pouted. "Looks like your friends don't like me very much." He said.

As if wanting them to hear us, because I did, I replied, "Only because they haven't met you."

He smirked, knowing that I was ready for any devious plan that was churning in that mind of his.

"I have _stuff_ under there!"

I pulled a face at Carlos' choice of words while a voice whispered, "Just go with it," in my ear before lips were on mind.

Holy shit.

And not in a good way.

But, I went with the act, kissing back, opening up for him even as the door got kicked open.

-Carlos' POV-

I kicked the door open. A little extreme, but still! I had a good fuckin' reason!

First thing I see?

This dude on top of Logan with his tongue down his throat!

First thing that comes to mind?

_Heh. Logan's a better bottom that I would've expected._

And I would know. How, you may ask? Because, back in Minnesota, I had been a bit of a slut. No, no STD's. And always guys. I had topped _and_ bottom'd. Really, I had always liked being bottom better, because I wouldn't have to do anything, yet get all the pleasure and credit. But lately, I had an odd fetish-like thing towards guys I _knew_ I could top.

Which would explain where I had been that night at the bar.

**FLASHBACK!**

Tongues were crashing against each other, hands were sliding up thighs, fingers were entwined in hair.

Damn. He was a good kisser. Now what was his name again? Cory, Colby? It might have been Cornelius…

"Carlos!"

I broke away from the kid in my lap, breathing heavily. That had been James' voice. "Ah, shit…"

"Carlos, baby? Something wrong?" C-Kid asked, pouting seductively.

Luckily, I had willpower. I pushed him away. "Sorry, dude. Gotta bolt." I said quickly, draining the rest of my drink.

"Will you at least call me?" C-Kid asked hopefully.

"Maybe. Probably not. Don't get your hopes up." I replied, then ran back onto the dancefloor to run straight into James.

"There you are!" He cried, and pulled me away.

**END FLASHBACK!**

Only James knew about my sluttyness. He had found out when he walked in on the high school quarterback and me making out on my bed.

I had always known that guy was bi…

Not James!

His original reaction had been shock, denial, and confusion. When I explained it to him, he asked why. I had answered truthfully.

"_Because the guy I like will never like me back."_

Anyway, back to the present.

Logan. And that dude. Making out.

Luckily, they weren't in my bed. I could've left then, but I just _had_ to see this.

John's hands were on Logan's hips, rolling them in circles as he moved his knee in between Logan's legs. Logan's fingers were tangled in John's hair, his back arching off the bed. Soft noises were flooding from them.

I coughed loudly.

Logan's eyes snapped open. He shifted his head so he was looking at me in such a way that I was probably upside-down in his vision. He blushed. "C-Carlos! U-u-um…hi?" He stuttered as John didn't stop in his motions, just sent an unreadable look up in my direction.

"Yo. Don't use my bed. And try not to make that much noise. Everyone's home now." I said bluntly. I turned and left, closing the door briskly.

When I got back to the main room, I saw that even Mrs. Knight was back home. I waved to her, smiling, before jumping onto the couch.

-Logan's POV-

Oh, thank god for that bathroom attached to my room.

As soon as the door was closed, I had rolled off the bed, ran to the sink, and puked.

John was suddenly behind me, a hand on my shoulder. "You have extreme reactions to things, you know that?"

I straightened, wiping my mouth with a towel. "Shut up. That was my second kiss ever. The first was with a girl."

"Did you puke then?" He asked.

"Yes." I replied, sighing. I trudged back to my bed and flopped down. "We can't sneak you out…" I muttered.

"What?" John leaned against the wall.

"We can't sneak you out. So, the only thing we can do is…" I took a deep breath. "You'll have to meet the family."

"Sounds fun!" He said, smirking. I laughed at his ridiculous tone.

"Doesn't it, though." I said. He sat down next to me.

"Okay. How should I act?" He asked.

"Don't be as pervy as you usually are." I said. "Oh, and be nice. Don't let them think that you're abusive to me, either. You'd just get your ass kicked."

"And then where would you be?" He interrupted jokingly.

I sent a halfhearted glare at him. "Whatever. Practice. Now." I shook my hand in his direction, signaling that he should start.

"Uh, okay." He smirked and cleared his throat. He smiled at the wall. "Hi, I'm John. I fucked little Loges here."

I facepalmed.

"Okay. Never mind. Let's just go." I sighed, standing up.

As we walked out, we dove into an improvised conversation. I don't even remember what it was about.

"And anyway, it was really gross." John looked up. "Hey, look! People!"

I laughed. "Um, yeah. Uh, that's-"

"Sorry, baby, but I got this." He grinned at me. He then turned to the other people. "Carlos, James, Katie, Mrs. Knight…" He listed, shaking hands with everyone as he said their name. Then his gaze landed on the blonde teen. "…And the famous Kendall!"

Kendall raised an eyebrow as he shook hands with my 'boyfriend'. "Uh…yeah…"

John laughed. "Sorry, but Loges has told me a lot about his life before Hollywood and Big Time Rush. Sounds like you guys are a lot of fun. We should hang out sometime…or something." He smiled warmly at me.

"Don't you have an assignment to do?" I asked, trying to sound concerned. "Not that I don't want you here, I just don't want you to get in trouble."

He sighed dramatically, bringing me into a tight hug. "And here I've come directly here straight after work, and now you're kicking me out! You're a cruel little boy!"

I laughed. "That's not what I meant!" I half-whined. He pulled away.

"I know." He winked. "One last thing before I go…"

"Yes?" I asked expectantly.

"Mind if I use you for my muse?" He asked, pouting.

"_Mind_? Johnny, that'd be awesome!" I cried, grinning. _I might puke again…_

He smiled again. "Thank you!" He sighed, relieved. He kissed me on the cheek. "Love you."

"Love you, too!" I called after him as he ran out of the apartment. I rubbed my cheek gently.

"Um…Logan…"

I stiffened. Aw, crap. Mrs. Knight was worse than Kendall. What was she going to say when she saw _just_ who I was supposedly 'dating'?

So, I did what I do best.

I 'panicked'.

I spun around to face my friend, scrunching up my face to look worried. "Look, I know! He works at a tattoo parlor, but he only works the front desk and he's just working there until he can pay off his student loans! And he _is_ going to school, just online, to get a degree in creative writing! Because he wants to publish a book when he's older and he's an _amazing_ author! And he lives with his older brother a few blocks down and yes, I've been there – not a bad place, either. And I know he's older, but he's really nice to me!"

It was all true. You learn a lot about someone when you fake date them.

Everyone stared at me.

"Did you even breathe when you said that?" Carlos asked, eyes wide.

I shrugged. "I don't even…"

"So…his name is John?" Mrs. Knight asked slowly. I nodded. "Well…I don't approve of the tattoo…but, if you really like him…" She smiled. "I'm okay with it."

I grinned. "Thank you!" I cried.

**FF A FEW HOURS**

-Kendall's POV-

Watching New Moon (for the second time, which I don't get) that night sucked.

Seeing Logan be so happy with someone else finally pushed me over the edge. I seriously felt…

_Depressed._

I wasn't even drooling over Taylor Lautner's epic chest muscles, I was so far gone. Even straight guys do that.

Half an hour after the movie ended, James was asleep on my shoulder, Carlos had collapsed on the floor and was sleeping there, and Logan was curled up on my other side, leaning away from me.

Gently, I helped a half-awake James to his bed, being careful not to wake up anyone else. I walked back out to the living room. I went up to Logan, smiling softly. I ran a hand through his hair, hoping he wouldn't wake up. He didn't. My smile widened.

"Night, Logie." I whispered.

I straightened. As I did so, a thought ran through my mind. I gulped. It was a bit extreme, but…

Glancing down at Logan, I felt my heart break. Glimpses of what he and John were doing in his room before they came out flashed in my mind.

_Logan and John were sitting cross-legged on Logan's bed._

"_We should probably go back out there…" Logan muttered, looking down at his hands._

_John leaned over. "We should…" He agreed quietly before pressing his lips briefly to Logan's. Logan looked up at his boyfriend. "That doesn't mean we will."_

_Logan sighed, just as John kissed him again, drawing him just a bit closer. "Johnny…you can't always be a rebel…"_

"_Well, what if I like being a rebel?" John shot back, kissing the younger boy's lips once more. Logan's eyes closed as he finally gave in to his boyfriend's unspoken demands._

"_That doesn't…" Logan paused as John kissed him again. "…Give you the right to…" Another kiss. "…Just do anything you want to."_

_John smirked. "Yeah it does. And you know it." He gave Logan an open mouthed kiss, and Logan responded by opening his mouth and giving a small moan. They made out for a little bit until John finally pulled away. "But, I should listen to you more. I wanna meet your friends, too."_

_Logan groaned in disappointment, leaning his head on John's shoulder. "Fine."_

Suddenly, I was in the shared bathroom. Our apartment had four, amazingly. One for the girls, one for Logan and Carlos, one for James and me, and then one that could have been considered the 'public' bathroom. But no one used it. So, it was the safest choice.

It went down in flashes.

My face, in the mirror. My eyes were dark, my hair was messed up.

The scissors. They gleamed in the artificial light.

The pain. It made me hiss and double over.

The blood. It stained the sink and my vision.

The next thing I remembered was lying in bed, listening to Puppet by Thousand Foot Krutch.

…**Hi.**

**So…remember when I said that you'll be screaming your head off, what with the added drama and stuff? Well, this is what I was talking about.**

**I'm glad I finally got all my ideas down and out. This is the longest chapter I written! So yay! Oh, so, if any of you hate me now, I'm sorry…**

**But this is MY story, bitches!**

**So piss off!**

**But anyway…I have to give credit to imonlygonnabreakurheart for that 'I was so depressed I couldn't even drool over Taylor Lautner even straight guys do that' line. She's an epic author, check her out!**

**Carlos: …YOU WHORE!**

**I think that's actually you, dude…**

**James: *hugs Carlos* How can you make my sweet, innocent little Latino boo a man whore?**

… ***eye twitch***

**Logan: I, personally, liked the chapter.**

***eyes sparkle* Really?**

**Logan: Yeah. I'm a better actor than people take me for.**

**Speaking of that, where's Kendall?**

**Logan: Handcuffed to the bed with one hand. There's candy in the drawer and a water bottle. He'll be fine.**

**You sadistic bastard. …I love you.**

**Logan: *hugs***

**Rate, review, love, my minions!**


	7. Call Me When You're Sober

**Hey! I'm back! This chapter is a little short, but that's because I really just wanted to get something done. Something that I have been planning since the beginning of this story!**

**This week was epic. I'm out of school, I had my birthday party, I got my hair done, and now I get to fuck with your brains. Yay. **** I am extremely happy. And if you're not, kiss my ass.**

**Okay, onto the chaos! *runs for cover***

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush! Trust me! If I did, there wouldn't be a need to write this! We'd all be getting our daily dose of gay just by watching it! (Not that I don't with Big Time Crib, but you catch my drift.)**

**Warnings: Yaoi, slash, guy on guy, that genre! Foul language and later on some serious, explicit smexing. No likey, no read-y!**

No one ever told me it would be like this. I mean, sure, they say that life is unfair and all that shit. But did they ever stop to realize that maybe, just _maybe_, a few hints would stop people from trying to kill themselves?

Not that I was that far gone. No, I was just trying to get my anger and depression out.

But I was a busy kid. Between keeping my secrets, trying to lose weight (Gustavo told me to), attempting to be mushy around James, containing my anger towards John for everything, practice, and refusing to be Gustavo's little bad boy lap dog, I was exhausted.

Too bad I couldn't sleep without Nyquill half the time.

One day, while we were hanging out by the pool, Logan glanced up and commented on Wayne Wayne.

"He really should pull up his pants. We all see your boxers. You have no ass, we get it!" He said jokingly. Carlos cracked up.

"Dude, you sounded so guy right then!" The Latino sniggered. Logan shrugged, smiling.

"You know it's true." He said.

"It maybe be. But the dude's a douche." I grumbled. I had been slightly pissy, what with my stress, but I really hoped that the others didn't notice.

"Damn straight." Logan agreed. "Seriously. What the fuck is the posse for?"

"I know right?" I replied, glad that someone was sharing my thoughts out loud. Bonus – it was Logan! "At least if it was just him, I could beat the shit out of him. Bleh. Damn posers."

Logan laughed. Oh, god, I could listen to that laugh all day. I could cope with anything that concerned Logan.

Looking around, I made an odd discovery. "Where's James?"

Logan and Carlos gave me quizzical looks. "Isn't he _your_ responsibility?" They asked in unison.

I shrugged. "I was mentally ranting at Wayne Wayne." I scratched the back of my head, doing a 360.

"Kendall!"

Looking over, I saw James hurrying towards me with two smoothies. I laughed as he finally stopped in front of me, holding one of them out to me.

"Strawberry, your favorite!" He cried.

"Aw, thanks, babe." I gushed, taking the smoothie and kissing him on the cheek. I immediately felt that morning's NutriGrain bar bubbling up to my throat. Oh, god…

Suddenly, there was an obnoxious ringing noise. James, Logan, and I looked over at Carlos, whose face turned bright red. He reached for his phone, looking irritated as he rejected the call.

Logan and I shared an equally confused look while, as I noticed, James gave Carlos an annoyed look.

"Carlos," he started in a low, warning tone. "May I talk to you in private for a moment?" At James' almost growled words, Carlos looked scared, but nodded. The two walked off, out of earshot.

Logan and I shifted closer. "I feel like I missed something." He muttered to me.

"Same here, bro." I said, sighing.

"Well, you know me, I would love to sit here and watch this unfold and become a big pile of shit, but I think I'm gonna go take a walk. I'll be back in an hour or something." Logan said, slipping his sneakers back on.

"Alright." I said. "Have fun. Try not to get mugged." I joked. He laughed as he walked off. I looked around the pool area, looking for Wayne Wayne; I wouldn't be surprised if he just popped up to piss us off. For some reason, though, he was nowhere to be found.

James walked up to me. "Hey, I'm gonna take Carlos to a park or something. There's just this thing that we need to talk about and I don't trust the people here at the Palm Woods. Gossip spreads like wildfires and that's the last thing that we need, because then Gustavo would be barking up our asses. See you later." He said quickly.

"Uh, yeah. See you." It was more of a half-question than an agreement, but it was enough to give James a good feeling, so he left with Carlos in tow. Carlos looked back at me with wide eyes. I waved to him, grinning. He pissed James off, that was his fault.

I sat back down in my chair. Offhandedly, I wondered why everyone thought that Logan would be the one getting kicked out. Especially if people thought that I was the leader. Let's face it – Wayne Wayne was a power hungry man whore. If he wanted Big Time Rush as his own, he _had_ to get rid of the unofficial 'leader'. I guess people just didn't understand that.

Eventually, though, my thoughts bored me. I needed to multitask; it was just me. I stood up, stretching. I started walking, not really caring where I was going. I just had to _move_.

"Please get off!"

I froze. That sounded…like…

LOGAN?

I peered through the bushes I found myself in. I saw Logan cowering against a tree, a figure almost towering over him. That figure…holy shit, it was Wayne Wayne!

That bastard was bisexual?

I tried to keep my breathing normal and quiet so as not to give my presence away. Over my dead body would that poser touch Logan! I gritted my teeth in anger. Curse words and phrases ran free in my mind, my eyes focused on the scene in front of me.

Wayne Wayne chuckled darkly. "Well since you asked nicely…" He leaned in closer to Logan, almost shielding the smaller boy from my sight. "I will. _Get off_, that is."

Logan's eyes widened even more as he realized his unfortunate choice of words. His eyes searched around as he babbled, trying to convince Wayne Wayne to stop. His gaze immediately found me just as he uttered, "I-I'm not…"

I put a finger to my lips to silently say, '_Act as if I'm not here!'_ He took a shaky exhale as Wayne Wayne pulled away.

"You're not _what_? Gay? Of course you aren't, Mitchell." He growled sarcastically as he grabbed Logan by the ass, making the genius gasp and whimper in shock and disgust. "Of course you aren't."

That's when I snapped, letting loose of any and all plans that I had been formulating. This bastard was going down. _Hard._

"Yo, bitch! Get your fucking hands offa him!" I yelled. Wayne Wayne whirled around to face me. His sunglasses were falling down his nose, revealing his eyes that were glazed over with anger and lust.

"Well-well, if it's not Kendork." He growled, his fist clenching. Logan pressed himself as much as he could up against the tree, as if trying to disappear in it. "Stay outta shit that ain't your biz-biz."

"Actually, when it involves Logan, it is my _biz-biz_." I hissed, stalking up to him. "I suggest you stay away from my friends, bastard."

Wayne Wayne laughed incredulously. "And what the _fuck_ are you gonna do to me? I got a _posse_, dude."

"True." I admitted. I saw Logan suddenly look scared and mouth to himself, '_I'm gonna get raped. Oh, god, I'm gonna get raped and Kendall's gonna get beaten!'_ "But you're forgetting, _dude_, I played hockey back in Minnesota."

"So?" He asked.

"_So_, I can beat the shit out of you. And I will. Now." I cracked my knuckles as he started saying something. Suddenly, my fist made contact with his face. I heard a loud, sickening crunch. I couldn't tell if it was my hand or his nose. Logan gasped.

"Mother-!" Wayne Wayne yelped, clutching his nose, which was now flowing freely with blood. I shook out my hand, my face passive.

"And _that's_ what happens when you mess with me and my friends." I snarled, baring my teeth slightly. He looked up at me, his eyes livid with anger and pain. "Now fuck off, bitch. Run to your fucking posse. I'm sure they'll be a good few shoulders to cry on."

He sounded like he was going to say something, before his eyes flew to my hand. I looked down and saw his blood on my knuckles. I smirked triumphantly. As I looked up, he stumbled away, practically tripping on his droopy pants.

I turned to Logan, who was still trembling. I approached him gingerly; he was scared out of his usual, logical mind. I could see on his face that he was thinking through everything, asking himself where he went wrong, what he did, and how he could have changed the outcome of, well, everything. But he kept coming up short an answer. "Logie?"

-Logan's POV-

"Please get off!"

I heard my own voice, sounding an octave higher than normal and shaky and desperate. Desperate for freedom. The heavy body leaning over and on me was scaring me, as well as the wild look in his eyes. I was breathing deeply, my mind racing.

"Well, since you asked nicely…" He leaned in closer to me, his hot breath on my ear. "I will. _Get off_, that is." He licked the shell of my ear, making me shiver in fear.

My eyes widened as I realized just how bad a decision it was to use those words. Oh, fuck, my brain was shutting down. Not good. Not good. C'mon, don't shut down. Fuck, fuck, fuck!

"Don't…please, no…not there!...please, no…" I whimpered, trying to get him off of me, just as his hands started traveling along my body. My eyes searched everywhere, calculating every single detail I could possibly take in, when my eyes reached Kendall. "I-I'm not…"

He put a finger to his lips. _Just act like I'm not here_, he was saying. My breath caught in my throat. Was he just going to _sit there _and _watch_? Please, get me out of here. 

But then I saw it. In his eyes. He was thinking. He was plotting and scheming, attempting to find me a way out of this mess. I gulped and turned my eyes to my feet as Wayne Wayne pulled away from me.

"You're not _what_, Mitchell? Gay? Of course you aren't," he rumbled sarcastically, his hand groping my ass now. I gasped, jumping slightly. I heard a whimper escape into the world and only realized after a few seconds that it had come out of my mouth. "Of course you aren't."

"Yo, bitch! Get your fucking hands offa him!" Kendall yelled, coming out of his hiding spot. I breathed a sigh of relief as Wayne Wayne turned away from me. I took slow, shaky breaths to calm myself and my body down as I took a mental roll call.

_Let's see…no broken bones, no bruises, the only injuries I have are emotional. I should get over those soon enough, as long as I stay close to…_

I felt my breath catch in my throat as the name came up automatically.

_Kendall._

He just saved my virginity, possibly my life, but he didn't even know. Well, he obviously knew that he just saved me from being raped, but he thought that John and I had fucked. We hadn't. No. I was probably just a whore in his opinion, just an insatiable little bitch that couldn't protect himself, and here he was, punching a guy in the face for me.

"Logie?"

My eyes snapped over to my left side, where Kendall stood. He looked sympathetic and worried. I tried to say something, but felt more tears flooding my eyes. My body overwhelmed my mind as I flew into his arms, wrapping my arms around him, sobbing into his chest, caring no longer who or where we were.

I felt his arms curl around me, his hand stroking my back gently. "It's okay, Logie. It's okay. It's over, I promise."

I shook my head desperately, wanting so bad to tell him that I was sorry for him having to defend me. "I…I'm sorry…!" I choked out.

"What?" He asked. "You shouldn't be sorry. It's not your fault." He said softly, holding me tighter. I clenched his shirt in my hands.

"I-I should…be able…to fight f-f-for m-myself…" I stammered.

"Oh, Logie," he sighed. "You were shaken, and scared, it's okay. Really. Don't worry about it." He kept rubbing my back, which was actually partially working.

"But-" I started.

He cut me off. "Logie. Please, stop worrying." He pulled away just enough so he could look at my face. "Why don't you call John? I'm sure he'll make you feel better."

I nodded, my mind automatically telling me to just _do what Kendall said_. "Please wait for him with me." I pleaded.

He smiled. "Of course." He said, hugging me close again. I took out my phone, seeing just how much my hands were shaking. I speed-dialed John.

"Hey, Loges. What's up?" He greeted.

"C-can you c-c-come over here? S-something h-happened…and, and I-I need y-you. P-please." I stuttered.

He paused, shocked. "Absolutely! I'll be right over!" I heard his voice in the background, "Yo, someone cover my shift. I got a boyfriend to deal with." Then he was back to the foreground. "Okay, I'm going."

"Okay. Th-thanks." I said, then hung up. I clung to Kendall again. "He's coming." I announced.

"Okay," Kendall said, sitting us down on the ground. "Don't worry. I'm not going anywhere."

I nodded, turning my head so I could breathe and hear his heartbeat through his shirt.

"Did he hurt you?" He asked after a minute.

I shook my head. "I-I'm all good. Really. Just some emotional trauma. If I stay close enough to you guys and don't get stressed all that much, I'll be back to normal in a week." I said, my voice steadying out.

"If you say so." He said. I smiled up at him.

"Thanks for being here." I said. He smiled back.

"Like hell I wouldn't be. You're my best friend. I'm always gonna be here for you." He said.

_I'm happy about that._

**FF TO DAY AFTER BAD-BOY-OFF**

_And when I look up into the sky_

_I think I'll know just what I'll find_

_I'll see your face and I'll know my place_

_Right beside you_

Just as the bridge was finished, my phone started going off. Toxic. I blushed, knowing that I had just interrupted the practice. For the second time this month.

I answered quickly. "Uh, hey, John. What's up?"

"Yo, I'm horny. Can we fuck?" John's slurred voice crackled through the phone.

I frowned, memories flooding back to me. "Are you drunk?" I asked softly, turning away from everyone.

"Just a lil' buzzed." He replied, giggling.

I sighed heavily. "I'm hanging up."

"What? No!" He cried.

"Sorry, babe. Call me when you're sober." I said quietly, then hung up. I turned off my phone as I turned back to everyone. "Sorry about that." I laughed nervously.

"What happened?" Carlos asked.

"He was drunk." I replied. He, James, and Kendall all made sympathetic faces. I waved my hand dismissively. "I'll be fine."

"Um…" Kelly started. "Who's _he_?"

"John." I replied.

"His boyfriend." Carlos elaborated, pointing at me with his thumb. I nodded, smiling shyly.

Gustavo's face blanched as his jaw dropped. "You're gay?"

"Kendall and James are in a relationship." I said, throwing them under the bus. I sniggered at their panicked looks.

"You're all gay?" Kelly asked.

"I'm pretty sure." James said. "Carlos?"

Carlos gave James a 'bitch please' look. "James. You of all people know I am." He said. James laughed and tapped his helmet.

"Damn straight." The pretty boy said.

I exchanged a glance with Kendall. _What?_ "Um…so, yeah." I said, changing the subject slightly.

"It's like Big Time Homos up in here." Kendall said jokingly. We cracked up while Kelly and Gustavo stared at us.

"How did you _not_ know, dude?" Carlos asked, leaning an elbow on my shoulder.

"Seriously. I'm surprised you didn't know it from the start with James." I said.

The pretty boy looked at me. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

I smiled. "Nothing at all, James. Nothing. At. All."

Kendall wrapped his arms around his boyfriend's shoulders. "Logie, be nice."

"Over my dead body." I shot back, sticking my tongue out.

"Hey, fuck you, Logan!" James suddenly cried, his anger a joke, but his voice still harsh.

"Oh, you wanna get into this?" I yelled back, going along.

Carlos held me back by my wrists. "Doesn't it mean something when even _I_ vote against violence?" He whined.

I snorted. "I didn't mean anything by it, anyway." I pouted at James. "I'm sorry."

He sniffed and turned his head away.

"Don't you think a hug is in store here?" Kendall asked in an almost sing song voice. I raised an eyebrow at him. James sighed and looked at me. I shrugged. We hugged, then pulled away grinning.

"So, do we start from the top or the bridge?" James asked Gustavo, flipping the packet of lyrics for What We Can Be.

Gustavo and Kelly stared.

The four of us smiled brightly.

**Okay! Well, I planned this chapter to be short. But then I got into the details and I just couldn't stop. ;) And HOLY CRAP, I can't type today! What the fuck?**

**Kendall: You should see a doctor about that.**

**Logan: I'm here!**

**Kendall: No. You're busy.**

**Logan: I am?**

**Kendall: You are now. *drags him away***

…**I'm tired.**

**Carlos: If I use James as a pillow, you can use me.**

**Nah, I gots my own pillow. Ish be speshul.**

**James: You know what else is 'speshul'?**

**Carlos and I: What?**

**James: Bella Swan.**

**Carlos and I: OH SHNAP! *snap***

**Okay! Well, good night, good day, good whatever time you're reading this. Rate, review, love, my minions!**


	8. The Dreams

**Hi. Um…so, I have a few, serious warnings about this chapter. I've been working on this for a while, so that's why I'm doing it so soon.**

**You only have to read the stuff that isn't in italics. Because the stuff in italics…**

**Scary.**

**Do NOT read if you are weak of stomach, heart, mind, or appendix. All will explode and throb with the loss of innocence. Trust me. I needed to get my appendix removed….okay, not really, but you know what I mean.**

**Chapter warnings: major angst, sex slaves, mild sexual content, bondage, mild gore**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush! Trust me! If I did, there wouldn't be a need to write this! We'd all be getting our daily dose of gay just by watching it! (Not that I don't with Big Time Crib, but you catch my drift.)**

**Warnings: Yaoi, slash, guy on guy, that genre! Foul language and later on some serious, explicit smexing. No likey, no read-y!**

"Thanks for the ride." I said, opening the door.

"Anything for my fake little princess." John snickered.

I shot a glare at him. "Hate you too." I said, slamming the door shut before he could respond. I sprinted all the way back to 2J. It was nearly midnight; the guys would be so pissed off.

I slunk into the apartment silently, using my key. I put my bag on the couch, looking around to see if anyone was up. Based on the half-quiet snores coming from both my room and Kendall's room, the guys were asleep. And even if Mrs. Knight were up, she wouldn't bother asking me about coming home this late.

She and John had 'talked'.

I winced at the memory of John giving me that I-Can't-Believe-You-Deal-With-Her-Every-Fucking-Day look. I snuck into my room to see that Carlos wasn't in his bed. I looked at the bathroom and saw the light flooding from underneath the door.

That sucked. I had been hoping to wash up just a little bit before going to sleep. Being in a dark tattoo parlor that smelled of sex, smoke, and sweat was worse than it sounded.

I walked out of the room and went to the public bathroom. I hadn't used it ever, but it was better than nothing. What I saw, though…

I nearly puked.

Blood was caked in the sink, staining the marble. More of the red liquid was spread on the mirror, and some on the floor. I felt myself start to hyperventilate. Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god…

I grabbed onto the door frame. The blood seemed to be staining my vision. _How…what…but…no…I won't believe it. _I shook my head. None of my friends were depressed, or homicidal, or anything. Katie? No, she wouldn't. She would talk to her mom or Kendall if she even had those kinds of thoughts. Was the blood old? It could have been from someone before us…Unfortunately, that hope was shattered when I saw that one of the splotches of blood on the floor wasn't dry. Someone had done it just minutes or hours before I had been in there.

My stress was building up in a steep incline. Memories of Wayne Wayne's hands on me came back, the horrible feeling of the sheer _knowledge_ that he was going to…to…

The next thing I knew, I was on my knees, cleaning up the mess as quickly as possible. I had to remove the evidence. Out of sight, out of mind, right? Right?

Tears came to my eyes as I cleaned. Who would do this and not care if someone (meaning me) found out about it? God, I was going manic. Cleaning in a frenzy just to take my mind off exactly _what_ I was cleaning. Not that it was working.

When the bathroom was spotless, I ran out of the room and crawled into my bed, still shaking in shock. I gripped my pillow as hard as I could. Not only was someone in the apartment – someone just feet away, I realized – cutting, or hurting themselves, or something along that line, but I just ruined any chance of healing my emotional wounds soon.

I didn't sleep at all that night.

**FF TO NEXT MORNING**

-Kendall's POV-

I walked out into the living room, yawning and stretching. I saw Logan sitting at the table, looking slightly shaken. I couldn't blame him. I would have been shaken too if Wayne Wayne came onto me that way.

He looked up at me and winced. I frowned. Did I do something? Was something on my face? Oh, god, was the some blood on my face from last night that I didn't notice or something?

I played it cool and sat down next to him. "Hey, you alright?" I asked, putting a hand on his shoulder.

He flinched, jumping to his feet and stepping back a meter in one quick move. "Um…y-yeah, I'll be…I'll be fine. B-be right back." He stuttered, and ran off to his room. I furrowed my eyebrows.

It was weird. For the past few days, he had been fine. Sure, he had stuck pretty close to us, wouldn't go anywhere alone, and hung out with John frequently, but from what I had seen, he had been following his own little prescription and 'healing' greatly.

But now he was a mental wreck.

Just then, James walked out of his room. He raised an eyebrow. "You? Up earlier than Logan? Are you feeling okay?" He laughed, putting his hand on my forehead.

I pushed him off. "_I'm _fine. But Logan's acting a bit traumatized." I said in a hushed tone.

His eyes widened. "Oh, shit." He whispered. I nodded.

"That's what I thought." I said.

"So, what are we gonna do?" He asked.

I shrugged. "I don't know what we _can_ do. We might just have to let him deal with this himself." I suggested.

"Are you fucking with me?" James growled. "What are you saying? Who are you and what have you done with Kendall?"

I rolled my eyes. "What I mean is, we can help him as much as possible, but I don't think it'll do any good. You know Logan. He'll think it through like it's a math problem and somehow find a solution. But until then, he'll be locked up in his own little world and won't pay us much attention."

James bit his lip, looking uncomfortable as he shifted slightly in his seat. "As true as that may be," he started, "we're not gonna stop worrying and helping, right?"

"Like hell we are!" I hissed.

"I see secretiveness!" Carlos' voice announced. James and I snapped our heads up to look at him to see his finger pointing at us as he leaned against the door frame. "What? Is James pregnant or something?" He asked lazily, sitting down in a chair across from us.

I glanced at James. "You wanna tell him?"

He sighed. "I guess I don't have much of a choice." And with that, he told Carlos – in a hushed and quick tone, just in case anyone came in or was in the next room – about Logan's odd behavior. Carlos' reaction was simple.

His eyes widened, his jaw tensed, he looked down at his hands, and he suddenly looked nervous. "I have something to tell you guys…" He said, his voice cracking somewhat.

I furrowed my eyebrows. "Carlos…"

"What happened?" James asked slowly.

The Latino glanced around, then leaned in closer to us. We got the message and leaned closer to him. "Last night, I woke up around maybe two. I heard some weird noises, and, being the shifty person who's used to shady characters appearing suddenly in the night I am," he was talking about his childhood back in Puerto Rico – he and his family had grown up in a pretty bad neighborhood. It was a wonder he was the cheerful little bugger he is today. "I pretended to still be asleep, but having a bad nightmare. I turned onto my other side, so I was facing Logan. But then I noticed that the noises were coming from _him._" Where was he going with this? "He was crying."

I stiffened. "Why? Did something happen?" I asked immediately.

He shook his head, shrugging. "Dunno. I didn't have the heart to ask him." He said. I sighed, hitting my head on the table. I heard James stretch over the table to put a hand on Carlos' shoulder.

"You told us what you knew. We thank you for that." He said.

I lifted my head, feeling the abysmal expression on my face. I looked over at James. "Dude, no offense, but you sounded like some kind of anal officer talking to some scared kid whose father was part of a murder."

"That was pretty specific." Carlos said, cracking a small smile.

I fingered the hem of my sleeve. "Yeah. I guess it was." I held in a cringe.

Just then, Logan shuffled back into the room, his head bowed and his fists clenched. He went over and sat down in the seat between me and Carlos. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and comfort him until he was back to normal, but I knew that just touching him set him off.

"Hey, Logie," I said softly. "You know you can talk to us, right?"

He looked up at me and nodded. I felt my heart shatter at the look on his face. He looked so…_dead_ inside. His eyes were flat and wide, like windows into his soul. He was scared, miserable, lonely, and something else that I couldn't place.

As he looked back down at his knees, I glanced up at Carlos and James. They stared back at me. 'Call Gustavo. We can't practice today.' I mouthed to James. He nodded, stood up, and rushed away, pulling his cell phone out.

Apparently, James had a hell of a time convincing Gustavo that Logan wasn't well enough to practice, but eventually he got us a free day. Unfortunately, my mom dragged James and Carlos away so she could get the run-down on Logan's mental state as soon as she noticed his jumpy behavior while Katie went to go do something.

So Logan and I were alone.

Again.

I rolled with it.

I set Logan down on the couch – he had let me touch him, but not much – and turned on the TV. "I heard WALL-E is On Demand. I'll put it on and get some ice cream, okay?" I asked. WALL-E was his favorite movie, and has been ever since we saw it in IMAX.

He looked at me with those empty eyes and nodded. I smiled at him and turned on the movie, then went into the kitchen. I quickly made two bowls of ice cream, then made my way back into the living room. I sat down next to Logan and handed him his bowl. He took it, back didn't eat it right away. He just pushed its contents around with the spoon.

I bit my lip. I felt so bad for him. I really wanted to know why he had suddenly become so edgy, but I knew it would probably be bad for him to answer any questions right now.

Suddenly, he was in my arms, his face buried in my shoulder. I could feel his tears soaking into my shirt. I was shocked, but I set my bowl down on the coffee table so I could coil my arms around him. His shoulders were shaking with the force of his crying.

My heart broke continually that day until I could finally go to bed.

**FF TO THAT NIGHT**

-Kendall's Dream-

_He giggled. "You're too good to me, you know that?" He asked softly._

"_Please, Logie. If I didn't, I'd be stupider than Carlos." I retorted good-naturedly._

"_Stupider isn't a word."_ _He protested slightly. I pressed my lips to his, knocking the air out of him. When I pulled away, a light blush was already dusting his cheeks. "I guess I can let it slide..."_

_I smirked. "Maybe we just shouldn't talk." I suggested._

_"I'm good with that." He agreed._

_I crashed my lips onto his, hungrier this time. He immediately kissed back. I licked his lip, begging for entrance. He granted it eagerly, moaning slightly. My tongue made its slow route around his mouth, and his hands clutched onto me, his fingers weaving in my hair. He hated being teased, but it was too much fun sometimes._

_Suddenly, I couldn't taste him anymore. I opened my eyes to see that I was no longer on my bed with Logan._

_Were we even in 2J anymore?_

_Looking around, I saw that the obvious answer to that question was no. _

_The space around us had a black aura and the air was cold. A faint but foul odor tainted the air. Only one word came to mind: Hell._

_And then, suddenly, I was thrown up against a wall. I felt chains and ropes coil around my wrists, arms, ankles, and legs as my clothes melted off. I struggled. "What the hell?" I growled._

_Looking over at Logan, I felt disgust and anger boil up my throat. It was no longer my body on top of him, and it wasn't my hands trailing up and down his sides._

_It was John._

_"Mother fucker!" I hissed under my breath. I would've screamed it at him, if it weren't for the fact that my throat suddenly ached like if someone had burned it._

_He glanced up at me. I felt my breath catch in my throat. The look of pure evil on his face told me that he knew I was there and he was going to make me watch him fuck Logan._

_Oh god._

_I closed my eyes. I felt myself give up. This was happening, and John wanted me to witness it; front row seats._

_I was chained against a wall, what could I do?_

_And then I could hear it. Them. Logan. You'd think - I thought - that I'd be disgusted. That I would be feeling my last meal travel up my throat. (Although, judging by the pangs in my stomach, I didn't have a last meal to have travel up my throat.)_

_But that wasn't happening._

_In fact, if anything, I was getting more turned on. I felt myself hardening. I kept telling myself it was just the noises Logan was making._

_"Unh...no...please...ah!...Right there...so close..."_

_I wouldn't have been surprised if I was right._

_"Someone's excited..."_

_I froze at the familiar voice. It sounded a lot weaker than it usually was, but it was still unmistakably him. I looked down and saw none other than James. _

_He, too, was naked (not a pretty sight, in my opinion). His hair was mussed and his face was dirty. He was much skinnier than he actually was. This was beginning to scare me._

_"James?" I hissed, confused._

_He smiled meekly. "Yes, master." He replied. He glanced down at my boner. "Should I take care of this for you?"_

_"W-what?" I coughed, the smoky air getting to me. "Dude, what the hell? 'Master'? What are you talking about?"_

_"We're part of a slave chain, remember?" James sighed. "Carlos is my slave, I'm yours."_

_"Whose slave am I?" I asked, humoring the idea._

_"The devil's son."_

I would be.

_"And that is?"_

_"John."_

_Fuck. "And that automatically makes you think you should give me a handjob?" I sucked in a breath. Not a good idea. As soon as that __last word__ was out, __James' hand__ was on my dick, pumping slowly._

_"Unless you tell me to stop..." He only paused to lap at the head with his tongue. "...I will do everything in my power to pleasure you."_

_I bit my lip. The body reacted to sensations alone, not mental or emotional feelings. That I knew._

_"James, stop." I commanded in the steadiest voice I could muster. He stopped in his ministrations. "You don't need to do this."_

_"Oh, but he does, Kendall darling."_

_I snapped my head up to face John. He smirked at me. I glared at him. "What are you talking about?" I growled._

_"It's his job. It's better than being an entertainer." John shooed James away with a single motion of his hand. Then he turned to me. "You and Logan are my favorite slaves, I hope you know." He whispered in my ear._

Logan.

_I looked up at the bed to see the spent teen curled up, looking straight at me, but not seeing me. I felt anger boil in my blood. "You bastard!" I snapped at John._

_He snapped, and the chains were suddenly tighter, flushing me against the wall more and spreading my legs farther apart._

_"Know your rank, Kendall. I'm not the one to play with." He rumbled softly. "But, I have to give you credit. Not many people can be so indignant while naked and strapped to a wall."_

_"Why am I your favorite?" I asked suddenly._

_He smirked. "Because. I can torture you easily. I can make you watch while I fuck Logan every single night if I wanted to. And then when I physically torture you..." His hand touched my cheek. "...I learn things about you."_

_"Get your fucking hands off of me." I demanded._

_He slapped me. I sucked on my teeth, not letting him have the satisfaction of knowing I was in pain. "Don't talk to me like that, Kendall. You have to be a good boy to earn speaking rights. And right now, you're being anything but good."_

_"You fucking sadist!" I spat._

_"You fucking masochist." He shot back calmly. I froze. _Did he just...he couldn't have...that wasn't... _"Sorry, I thought we were calling each other what we obviously are."_

_I shook my head in denial. "I'm not..."_

_"Of course you are, Kendall." He smirked so wide that his massive canine teeth were showing. "Why else would you be dreaming this?"_

_A dream._

_That's what this all was._

_That explains a lot._

_My thoughts were interrupted as John bit my ear - hard. I yelped in pain and surprise._

Wake up, Kendall!

Suddenly, I was back in my bed, sweating and panting. I looked at my hands. No chains or ropes; that was good. I looked over at James. He was sound asleep, clothed and clean; another positive. Back in 2J, no stench of death, LA warmth, all good signs.

I sighed. That dream...

No.

Shut up.

It's not true.

I turned on the light, knowing that I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep. When my eyes adjusted to the sudden brightness, I saw the sweatband I had put on my wrist to prevent the others from seeing the healing wounds.

Out of curiosity, I pushed it out of the way. The cuts had been deeper than I thought.

Seeing and thinking about the cuts got me wanting more. I shifted. It wasn't healthy, but...

Too late.

The next thing I remembered was curling into a fetal position on the public bathroom floor in front of the sink, blood seeping out of my arm. I combed my fingers through my hair.

_What are you doing, Kendall?_ I asked myself warily.

I never noticed how spotless the bathroom was.

-Logan's dream-

_His lips connected with mine. I smiled into the kiss. He always knew just how to kiss me. I eagerly kissed back. My fingers found their way weaved in his hair while his arms curled around my waist._

_We broke away for breath when he whispered against my lips, "I love you, Logie."_

_I blushed. Sometimes he would just say stuff like that randomly, complimenting me and telling me he loved me. I didn't mind it. At all. But sometimes he would say it because he was looking or asking for something. This time…_

_I pulled away to look up at him. "I love you, too, Kendall." I mumbled. He smiled._

"_Don't look so worried, baby." He chuckled, nuzzling his nose into my neck. I laughed quietly. "Geez. If I didn't know any better, I would've thought you expected me to start killing people."_

"_Sorry…" I said in a kiddy voice, trailing my fingers down his neck and spine, making him shiver. "But your mind confuses me sometimes. You could be planning some kinky thing with toys and James' bandanas." I winked._

_He smirked, a sparkle in his eyes. "I'm always planning that." He was only half-joking._

"_If I searched our room, would I find the toys?" I asked, shifting so I was in his lap. He grinned, grabbing my hips._

"_You'd have to search pretty thoroughly." He said. He attacked my neck, giving my sweet spot brutal attention. I moaned, knitting my fingers in his hair so he was firmly in place. Just then, he pulled away. I whined in disappointment. "Sorry. I'm just gonna go put some music on."_

_Before I knew it, I was alone on the couch. I fiddled with the long sleeves of my jacket. Jesus Christ, I was insatiable with Kendall. But it wasn't only physical, everyone could tell that. In fact, our relationship only had about 30% physical-ness…Yeah, I just fucked that up right there._

_Suddenly, there was a thump._

_I perked up. What the fuck…?_

"_Kendall? You okay out there?" I called, standing up. I peered into the kitchen. I gasped._

"_Kendall!"_

_There was blood everywhere, oozing out of his wrists and seeping into his clothes and onto the floor. His eyelids were fluttering, his eyes rolling back into his head. His fists were clenching and unclenching. His jaw was open, noises of agony flooding from his throat._

_I rushed over, almost tripping over something. I knelt by his side, starting up my doctor-mind. _Stop the bleeding, stop the bleeding! _I whipped off my jacket and ripped off the sleeves. I used the main part of the jacket to clean the blood already there off his arms. I then pressed the thick fabric of the sleeves to his wounds. Glancing around, I saw duct tape on the counter. I reached up and grasped it. I taped the sleeves onto his arms._

"_L-Logan…" He whimpered._

_I shushed him, smiling sympathetically. "Quiet, sweetie. Conserve your energy. Okay?" I was using a soft, almost baby-ish voice. I had to comfort him._

_He shook his head. "L-Logan…I…l-l-love..." I put my lips on his, silencing him. I pulled away._

"_Kendall. Please. Stay quiet for your own health." I pleaded._

"_Too…late…sorry…" He coughed out, closing his eyes in pain. I stroked his cheek._

"_No. You're going to make it. I promise. I'm going to call 911, okay? And we'll get you out of here and in a hospital. You're going to make it." I was more convincing myself than him. I was going insane with worry and I really just wanted to clutch onto him and scream and cry and wail. But that wouldn't do any good._

_And so I did call 911. They said that they were sending an ambulance. I hung up. And then I noticed something gleaming next to Kendall's hand._

_A knife._

_I felt tears well up in my eyes in shock and horror. "Why, Kendall?" I wanted to scream, but I didn't. I couldn't. He looked up at me guiltily. "Is it me?" I whispered._

_He shook his head. "Never…no…" He coughed up more blood. "I love you…"_

"_I love you, too." I started to cry. I knew it was never good to cry in front of someone who was dying, but he was too far gone. He was dying and we both knew it. "Please don't leave me, Kendall!" I finally snapped._

_He smiled sadly, letting tears of his own fall. "I'm not…won't…leave you…corny, but…I'll always…be…here." He reached up and rested a feeble hand on my heart._

_I grasped his hand and kept it there, crying harder. I held him close, trying to memorize his unique smell and feel. "Don't die, Kendall! Please! Stay with me! Don't leave! No!"_

_I could feel a soft breeze in the air._

I sat up violently, panting fiercely. Tears were soaking my sheets, clothes, and cheeks. I took slow, shuddering breaths. I told myself that it wasn't true, that Kendall was alive, that we were back in 2J, that we were in a band, that we had our whole lives ahead of us, that we would live to see the next day, that he wasn't depressed.

I wasn't sure about that last hope, though.

I clutched my pillow to my chest. Jesus Christ, what was I getting myself into?

Sometimes…

Life sucked.

…**I feel so fucking dirty right now. It's not even funny. God. *shivers* Kendall! I need a hug!**

**Kendall: Not after that chapter you don't.**

***glares* I **_**can**_** kill you off, you know. Make this a hurt/comfort story.**

**Kendall: No need! *hugs me* See? It's all good, man!**

**Logan: Hey! He's my boyfriend!**

**You're all my minions. I can kill you **_**and**_** Kendall off and make it an afterlife/Jarlos story.**

**Carlos: Aw! But Logan's fun to fight with!**

**Logan: Really? **_**That's**_** your problem with that plan?**

***looks around* Where's James?**

**Carlos: He passed out as soon as he saw that he gave Kendall a handjob.**

**Nice!**

**Kendall: I told you it would make **_**someone**_** pass out.**

**Well, anyone who did can kiss my ass. I had to make an awkward apology to someone yesterday.**

**Logan: What did you do?**

**I got mad at them…because they told my bro something I didn't want my bro to know.**

**Kendall: *shakes head***

**You may laugh now, but wait until I'm more famous than you!**

**James: *wakes up* In your dreams, bitch.**

**Pff, whatever, James. Oh, by the way, I found a song that fits you. James.**

**James: Really? What song?**

**Almost Famous by Eminem. It's so you.**

**James: Sounds like it.**

**Yup. I'll try to find songs that fit you other guys, but for now, I only got James covered. Sorry. **

**Anyway! Good bye, my minions! Rate, review, love!**


	9. Horny Logan

**Hello! Oh, by the way, this gets just a bit…um…raunchy…maybe. I dunno. Haven't finished it yet. xD I'm just planning ahead. Either gory or raunchy. Get ready for either one or both. :D**

**Ugh, I'm in pain. I got so sunburned yesterday. And now I can barely move without being in searing pain.**

**Oh, the agony-!**

**Nah, I'm good. Still hurting, but it'll be gone soon. Oh, did I mention? This is my first sunburn. Shows how little I've experienced in my short life, huh?**

**Anyway. Onto your torture, okay? Oh, and try not to hurt me. :D**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush! Trust me! If I did, there wouldn't be a need to write this! We'd all be getting our daily dose of gay just by watching it! (Not that I don't with Big Time Crib, but you catch my drift.)**

**Warnings: Yaoi, slash, guy on guy, that genre! Foul language and later on some serious, explicit smexing. No likey, no read-y!**

I hated John. With every fiber of my body and mind. It was the most hatred I had towards someone besides my father.

But, what sucks is, if John hadn't started fucking Logan, I'm pretty sure he and I would have been good friends. We listened to the same kind of music, watched the same kind of TV shows and movies, and made the same kind of jokes.

Let me tell you, that sucked ASS.

Finally, I had hit my breaking point. I had lost a lot of weight, so much so that it was _too fucking visual_, due to the diet pills Gustavo had prescribed me (since when was he a diagnostic doctor?) and the increased amount of cutting and decreased amount of blood (my body could only make that shit so fast), so I had lost so much that people were getting concerned. Logan had even confronted me about it. "You're a big guy and you play a lot of sports," he had said, "you _should_ be eating a lot!" I had wanted to hug the little shit. But, then again, when _didn't_ I want to hug him? And, in addition to the weight thing, John was hanging around Logan a lot now. He'd pop by after work, say hi to Logan (they'd disappear for up to a half hour), then leave. Sometimes, though, he'd bring Logan home with him. And did Logan do? _Nothing._ He'd grin, blush, giggle, and follow him into his shady van (maybe it was just shady because I hated the fucker), but he would never object to any of the bullshit going on. God forbid he got dumped by the King of Douches. And, to top off all the shit going on, I had gone a bit far with James outside the pool one day when John was visiting. What, you may ask, did I do this time? I was making out with James (yeah! Fucking _making out_!) under a tree (to make sure Camille and Jo didn't see me – they'd kill me) when, suddenly, it got darker than usual. I broke away and opened my eys, panicking mentally, cool on the outside, too see John and Logan standing there. John was barely holding in his laughter while Logan looked…_disgusted._ It broke my heart. The only good point in that moment was that, in the two months after his almost-rape, he had healed enough to have a rainbow of feelings.

Fan-fucking-tastic.

"Yo, sorry guys. Didn't think we'd see that." John had choked out.

Logan had sent a small glare towards his boyfriend. "John. Shut up. They're my friends." He had growled, then shoved the older guy away. John let himself get pushed to his van, giggling the whole way. Logan had glanced back and waved awkwardly.

I had glanced at James, who looked pissed off and uncomfortable. "Mission accomplished?"

Finally, after two months, to fucked up and shit-filled months, I watched James walk into our bedroom while I was reading an interesting new book on my Nook, then made my move.

"I'm breaking up with you."

It was blunt, short, sweet, and to the point.

"Cool." He said, sitting on his bed calmly. "What's our story?"

"We've been growing apart for a while now, so we tried being vulgar in public to make up for it. But it wasn't working out. We're better as just friends." I recited it from memory.

"Which one of us is moving out?"

"I will."

"Nice."

And with that, we pounded fists and fell asleep. Well, he fell asleep while I tried. I ended up having to take another sleeping pill.

Fuck you, God.

**FF**

"Breaking up? Like, for real?" Katie's eyes were huge, her jaw hanging open.

I nodded. "Please don't tell Mom. She'd kill me." I pleased. My sister cracked up.

"You are so screwed." She laughed.

Suddenly, there was a hand on each of my shoulders. I looked up to see the sickeningly sweet, sympathetic smiles (hiding the evil twisting their female minds, of course) of Camille and Jo.

"Katie, you might wanna leave us alone." Camille smirked. "This'll get ugly."

I gulped as Katie scampered away. I looked at the girls as they sat down in front of me.

"So, we just talked to James." Jo started in a sickeningly innocent voice.

"And we were wondering…" Camille trailed off as she shared a glance. They turned to me with evil glares.

"Does this have to do with Logan?"

I jumped up off my chair, flailing my arms in the air. "SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP SHUT UP!" I hissed. The girls' faces remained passive. And no. Well, kinda, I just need to relieve some of my stress." I admitted, looking at my feet in shame.

Camille and Jo fell silent. After a few seconds of having no expression, they had started giggling their asses off. But I guess they saw something that shocked them.

Silence.

"Well, I'm guessing you're really stressed then, looking at you." Jo said, trying to lighten the mood.

"Yeah…" I sighed.

"Yo! Kendall!" A hand waved in front of my face. I looked over to see Logan. I smiled weakly, and he grinned in response. "C'mon! We got practice!" And with that, he grabbed my wrist and pulled me along.

I smiled bigger. I loved just being in simple contact with him. His soft skin, gentle touch…

I was a fanboy.

But, I pulled away after a second. "Hold on," I smirked, "I need to get something."

He raised an eyebrow, but watched me spring back to the table where Camille and Jo were sitting. I grabbed the bag that had been lying at my feet when I had been sitting. I smiled at them and an back to Logan.

"Now, and I mean this, you might wanna turn away." I told him.

He snorted. "If I'm going to be a doctor, I'll see a lot of stuff. Go ahead with your little plan."

I sighed, then whipped my sweatshirt off. Yes, you perverts, I had a shirt underneath. I heard a tiny gasp come from Logan as I grabbed the diet pills from the bag, then threw said bag away.

"Oh, Kendall," he moaned in sympathy.

"Yeah, I know. It totally destroyed my six-pack." I said, smiling, trying to impress him while showing him I was still me. I slipped the pills into my pocket. "C'mon. Practice."

"R-right…"

-Logan's POV-

I never expected him to look _that_ bad… Dear god, what had Gustavo done to him?

I could see every single rib bone, due to the fact that they were poking through his tight shirt. He was just _too thin_. It hurt me to watch him and it brought tears to my eyes.

I made a decision.

What? Kendall's not the only one who can scheme like a demon from hell.

**FF**

Kendall stormed into the studio, similar to a tornado, blowing everyone away.

Oh, did I mention, Carlos and James were right behind us?

'Cause they were.

"Gustavo." Kendall called, crossed his arms over his chest.

Our blubbery producer turned to us, one eyebrow raised. "Yes?"

Kendall took his diet pills from his pocket and slammed them down on the table, his coy half-smile disappearing. "If I still had an ass, I'd ask you to kiss it." He growled. "Don't know if you noticed, yo, but what I at ain't healthy. I got a fast metabolism, 'kay? Jesus." He turned away, rolling his eyes, to stand next to me. I clapped silently.

_10 out of 10! Go gangstas!_

I smiled at him. He smirked back.

_Mmm….sexy smirk…I could watch him do his thing every day all day…especially if I got to see that look…and hear that voice…_

I froze. Fuck. I had been trying to avoid those thoughts ever since they had appeared when I had been eating those strawberries with John. But now I couldn't stop them. This was bad.

I was horny.

_Really_ horny.

This would end badly.

But, I'd have to deal with that later.

**FF**

Looking around, I saw that Mrs. Knight and Katie were already asleep. I smiled.

This would go easier than expected.

I grabbed Carlos by the sleeve. He stumbled, but looked at me expectantly. "Get James and Kendall. I have a plan."

"Is it to help Kendall?" He asked. "'Cause I've been worried, man."

I nodded. "Yes. Now, go get them!" I shoved him in the direction to their room. He laughed and ran off. I tapped my foot unconsciously.

Would they go with it? Would they shun me? Would I be able to convince them?

_Would I be able to get off?_

"Got 'em, Logan!" Carlos cried. I smiled and turned towards my friends. And there they were, with Kendall and James looking confused and Carlos holding them both by their ears. I mentally facepalmed.

That kid would never learn.

"Thank you, Carlos." I said, nodding to him. He grinned and let the other two go. "Now." I let my expression slide into something more serious. "In light of Kendall's recent weight loss, and his rebellion towards it, I would like to treat you three to ice cream. This can go two ways." They all looked confused. "I'm either going to go out and get some and bring it back so we can have some kind of movie night like back in Minnesota, or I'm going to use my fake license to bring you to an ice-cream-parlor-substitute they have down here." I held up the small plastic card, crossing my arms.

Their jaws dropped.

Carlos was the first to recover. "ICE CREAM PARLOR!"

James slapped him upside the head. "Do you not get it?" He cried. "Logan would be breaking the law! _Logan_! And he's _willing_ to _break the law_!"

Carlos finally got it and looked shocked and guilty and the same time. For a split second, I felt guilt welling up in my heart as well, and one look at Kendall, I knew I had gone too far.

But that didn't stop me.

"Either way, I'm out of this apartment in five seconds."

Kendall was suddenly tearing my fake license out of my hand. "I am not letting you use that. And I never will." He growled.

I smirked before turning and briskly walking out of the apartment. Yes, smirked.

He was so sexy when he got protective.

I shook my head, the smirk disappearing. Jesus, why did I get so horny like this? It was like my own version of manstration!

…Actually, that's probably exactly what it was.

Suddenly, I was in my car, already driving. I was probably going in the wrong direction, but that didn't matter.

At least, not in my opinion.

-Kendall's POV-

I stared at the license in my hands. It looked genuine.

I felt my leg shaking in fury and could practically see the world turning red.

"Kendall? Y-you…you okay there, buddy?"

I glanced up at James. "What do _you_ think, James? I was mad enough already today to start talking gangster! Now, I'm gonna-! I don't even…" I sighed, burying my face in my hands. "I am just…_sick and tired_ of seeing Logan getting hurt. Especially when he hurts himself. I just don't know what to do, or to say, or what. I feel like…like I'm losing him."

James sighed and sat down next to me. He put a hand on my shoulder. "I'm not gonna lie to you, bro. I don't know how to comfort you. But, what I _do_ know is that you care for him. That's what I see. And that counts for a lot, Kendall. More than you realize. Give yourself a break. Please. You're going to end up killing yourself."

I laughed hollowly, bitterly. "You have no idea." I said.

I looked over at James.

He was my best friend. He and I had been friends since we were three. He had always been there for me, and vice versa. We had stayed really tight forever. Why else do you think I would choose him of all people to be my fake boyfriend? We hadn't met Logan until he ended up in our class in third grade. He had clicked with us immediately, and not just because he helped us with our math work. And then, two years later in fifth grade, Carlos moved in from Puerto Rico. His accent had been thicker then, but he still spoke perfect English. He had been a welcome addition to our little group. It wasn't until seventh grade that he had told us his horrific story, which included why and how he had learned to speak English.

The four of us had stayed best friends.

"Kendall…what do you mean?" James asked.

I looked away from him, back at Logan's fake license, and shook my head. "Nothing. Never mind."

He sighed, and rubbed my back slightly. "If you say so."

Suddenly, he was gone. I let him go.

Just like I did with Logan, huh?

**FF**

-Logan's POV-

Mad at me or not, those boys loved their ice cream.

Carlos downed two cartons of peanut butter chocolate chip ice cream within the space of an hour. James was practically _snuggling_ his cookie dough ice cream. I was perfectly happy with my chocolate-peanut butter swirl ice cream. And Kendall was nearly making love to his chocolate ice cream.

And yes, I was paying very close attention to him.

With every flick of that pink tongue of his, I felt arousal spiral up my veins. I tried to keep myself calm, keep my eyes away from him, keep my hard on covered up, but _damn_, he was hot. And this, of course, was on the worst night possible.

_At least you'll have a substantial image, eh, Logie?_

I snapped my gaze back to the movie, the name of which I couldn't even place anymore. The only things running through my mind were images of exactly what Kendall could do with his mouth and my sheer envy of his damned ice cream. He didn't notice my uneasiness, since I had distanced myself slightly from the others like I did on these nights.

But, unfortunately, my eyes slipped back to the blonde sex god. He was licking his spoon clean, his tongue following the simple curve of the utensil (now I was jealous of that, too!), and it made me shudder in pure _need_. Then, of course, he dunked his spoon back into the carton to gather another large spoonful of the frozen treat. He dipped his tongue into it first, then dug deeper until he had a small portion of it on his tongue, which disappeared inside his mouth.

I almost moaned aloud.

**FF**

It was midnight. I glanced around. Carlos was asleep. I let out a silent sigh of relief.

Goodbye, horniness!

At the simple mention of release, my dick sprung up. I turned away from the Latino just in case as my hand trailed down slowly. I was teasing myself.

That's just pathetic.

An electric shock ran through me at the first touch, just like always. I grabbed a pillow with my free hand and shoved it in my face. I started a slow rhythm, adding onto it and adding speed every few seconds. I let out a tiny whimper, and had to freeze.

_Nobody heard that, did they?_

Silence.

I went back to my earlier actions. Images of Kendall's tongue running up and down the organ infested in my mind and had hypothetical babies, creating more, raunchy pictures and fantasies. His tongue on me, his lips _everywhere_, his magnificent cock inside me…

I was so caught up in this, I didn't hear the conversation going on behind me.

All I did hear was the very end, when I was fading out of my pleasure-induced trance for just a second.

"Alright, thanks, Carlos."

"You owe me, bro."

"I know I do, man."

Was that…?

KENDALL.

FUCK.

I flipped over to my other side so I was watching him put his stuff around the room in a haphazard mountain. "Hey, man," my voice was cracking, "what're you doing here?"

He looked up at me and smiled sadly. "James and I are having a fight. So, I'll be staying in here for a while. You're okay with that, right?" He asked, pouting in a way that just made me harder, if that was even possible.

I nodded. "Yeah, man." I squeaked.

He raised an eyebrow. "You okay?" He asked.

I panicked. I had to make a break for it. "YeahdudeI'!" I babbled as I shot to the bathroom, slamming the door behind me, taking my phone for some reason. I realized that my subconscious had planned something for the chance that anything happens.

I grinned.

_I love my brain!_

_I love you too, Logan._

_GOD?_

…_Go back to masturbating._

_Okey dokles!_

And that's exactly what I did.

Then I snuck back into the room. Kendall was snoring slightly, a sign that he was asleep. I smiled, my heart melting. I was one of the few people that knew of his sleeping problem (not even James and Carlos knew), and I also knew that he only snored on nights that he didn't take a pill.

I wanted to pull him into a giant hug.

Which would be awkward after I just jacked off to images of him eating ice cream.

But he didn't know that!

But, he still wasn't single…

_Maybe I don't have to be, though…_

I smirked. I was on a roll.

**Hiya! So, whatcha think? I gave you a hint of smut. You happy, you perverted vultures?**

'**Cause I am. xD**

**Carlos: *head is tilted* I never knew you could be so naughty with ice cream…**

**James: *sends Carlos a thinly-veiled hungry look* Oh, really?**

**Carlos: *looks at James* *blinks* Yeah.**

**James: *picks him up* *carries him away***

…***stares at bare feet* I think I have man feet…**

**Kendall: *sits down next to me* *stares at my feet* You don't have man feet. **_**I**_** have man feet.**

**Logan: *rolls eyes* *mutters: Tell me about it…***

**Kendall: *head shoots up* What?**

**Logan: *smiles* Nothing, sweetie.**

**Kendall: *suspicious look* You think I have gross feet, don't you?**

**Logan: Well… *looks away***

**Kendall: LOGAN!**

**Logan: What's up?**

**Kendall: *groans* Distopian Heart! Do something?**

**Do you **_**not**_** see my feet, bro?**

**Kendall: DUDE! Logan thinks I have disgusting feet!**

_**I **_**have disgusting feet!**

**Logan: *glances over* No you don't. You know who has gross feet? Taylor Lautner.**

**Kendall: How would you know?**

**Logan: *walks away***

**Kendall: …*faints***

…**Cool! I don't have gross feet! And Logan makes Kendall a pussy! Life is fun today!**

**Alrighty, my dears! Rate, review, love!**


	10. Hatred Of The Word 'Maybe'

**Hiya! It's me again! xD Yeah, I know. Oh, so, I think you vultures will be happy about this glimpse into the **_**real**_** Big Time Rush!**

**Oh, and just a little information.**

**I AM A GIRL.**

**Just to clear up some rumors I saw on the review chain. I don't want you guys thinking I'm a dude just because I used an inside joke between me and one of my friends…even if he **_**doesn't**_** read this story. But who cares? He's straight, I wouldn't expect him to read it. And, if you're wondering, **_**NO**__**, **_**I don't have man feet. I have nice girl feet. :D**

**And I swear every other sentence because that's the way people talk in my town! That's how I fucking talk! So get the fuck over yourselves!**

**So…anyway! I was happy to write this! Also, I think it's time we celebrate! TENTH FUCKING CHAPTER! WOOOO! No, I'm serious. I just want to thank you for reading, and keeping up with all the drama in this story. I am at your mercy, dear people. *bows* I love you.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush! Trust me! If I did, there wouldn't be a need to write this! We'd all be getting our daily dose of gay just by watching it! (Not that I don't with Big Time Crib, but you catch my drift.)**

**Warnings: Yaoi, slash, guy on guy, that genre! Foul language and later on some serious, explicit smexing. No likey, no read-y!**

It was a weird two weeks.

I'll tell you that much.

So…don't say I didn't warn you, okay?

Because I totally just did, two lines up.

And yes, I _did_ just break the fourth wall. That might happen a lot now.

ANYWAY.

It started the day after my little horny night (AWWWW-KWAAARRD), a Wednesday. I had been noticing it was getting hotter in LA. And, coming from Minnesota, that was unbearable.

But, today's story starts in the morning.

Carlos and I were sitting in the kitchen. James and Kendall were sleeping in way too late.

"They probably fucked. Maybe that's what the fight's about." Carlos suggested jokingly.

I forced a laugh, even though that added up. "Maybe Kendall's dick's the size of a peanut." I joked, aching inside for being so mean about him, even if I was kidding.

Carlos cracked up. "Or maybe James has been cheating on Kendall with five other dudes and his hole is just a vacuum now."

I laughed for real. "Dude! That's so gross!" I choked out.

"You guys seem happy."

Carlos and I looked up from our laughter to see Kendall and James standing there. It had been Kendall talking. I saw the serious looks on their faces and stopped laughing.

"You guys don't." I said, which got Carlos to pay attention and stop laughing.

Kendall and James glanced at each other before sitting down. "We have to talk." They said.

Carlos and I exchanged a glance. I was the first to speak up. "We're not getting kicked out of the band, are we? We're trying to sing better! And I'm learning to dance!" I was genuinely scared.

"Give us a chance, guys!" Carlos cried, slamming his hand on the table. I put a hand on his shoulder to calm him down, then turned to Kendall and James (who both looked confused) with a serious face.

"Why don't you guys just talk." I suggested, folding my hands together on the table and leaning forward a bit.

"We don't want to lie to you guys." James started. I bit my tongue. That was never a good opening line. "So we won't."

"James and I…" Kendall sighed, his eyes focusing in on mine. "We broke up." His gaze fell to his hands.

MY IMMEDIATE THOUGHTS:

_Woo! Yeah! Kiss my ass, James! I KNEW you guys wouldn't last! Wait! This means I finally have a chance at Kendall! Yes! He will be MINE!_

MY IMMEDIATE REACTION TO MY THOUGHTS:

I glared hungrily at Kendall for less than a second before looking back at my hands, my leg starting to shake in excitement.

MY IMMEDIATE REACTION TO THEIR WORDS:

I smiled sympathetically. "That's a shame. You guys were really cute together." I said gently.

"That must have been some fight." Carlos observed. "What was it about?"

I elbowed him. "Give them time, Carlos." I hissed. Then, I turned back to the now ex-couple. "You know, this is a wicked big coincidence."

Kendall raised an eyebrow. "How so?" He asked.

"John and I broke up last night." I improvised. The three of my friends froze. I sighed. "Yes, you can rip on him."

They exploded.

"Logan, that guy was obviously out for sex and sex only!" James yelled.

"You should have seen the looks he gave you, man! It was disgusting!" Carlos shouted.

"He was a douche bag, Logie! You never should have gotten involved with him!" Kendall snapped.

"He corrupted you!"

"Gave you a fake license!"

"Brainwashed you so much that you almost broke the law!"

"For you," I interrupted after what Kendall said. They all froze and raised an eyebrow at me in confusion. "I used my _corrupted brain_ to figure out that Kendall's weight was unhealthy, so I almost used my _fake license_ to _break the law_ because you guys are important to me. If any of you got hurt, I'd do anything in my power and any tool I have at hand to help you."

They looked guilty for a second. But then, Kendall remembered something.

"Wait, if you broke up last night, then what were you doing last night when I moved in?" He asked.

"You were doing something?" Carlos and James asked.

I smiled nervously. "You should try break up phone sex. It's a good experience."

I'm just glad I made my way out of that room so I could get t o the car driving us to the studio.

Oh, and yes, I texted John the notice of our break up.

He 'lol'd.

**FF**

We were in the studio. Kendall and James were as far apart as they could get; I was surprised. They had been best friends since before I'd known them. But I think he already told you that story…

Oh, he did?

Nice! Makes my job a helluva lot easier!

So, anyway, after Gustavo yelled at us for the tenth time, we said that we were unfocused because there were a lot of break ups going on, and Kendall joked that we were now Big Time Homo Break Ups, Kelly asked a hilarious question.

"So, are Carlos and Logan in a relationship? I just wanna know. 'Cause, you know, with Kendall and James hooking up, one could only expect the other two to find comfort in each other's arms, even if it meant Logan cheating on his other boyfriend." She couldn't help the big ass grin on her face.

Carlos smirked at me. I bit a knuckle to keep from laughing as he leaned towards the microphone. "No, we're just fuck buddies." He leaned back, grabbing my hand, and held it up in the air.

I couldn't help but laugh at the shocked faces of everyone. "He's kidding!" I cried. "No, Carlos and I are in no way at all romantically involved, no matter what he says."

He shrugged.

I rolled my eyes and elbowed him.

So, over the next two weeks, we did some crazy fun stuff. We locked a blogger in a supply closet (Carlos almost offered to suck him off so he wouldn't web-bash us), we fought a 'ghost', and we met Jordin Sparks (who tried to flirt with Kendall, making me hate her with a fiery passion).

That's the life of a modern boy band, I guess.

But then, out of the blue, that Wednesday, Carlos did something…_odd_.

Okay, let me explain.

It was noon, about time for lunch. Just as we got over to our duffel bags, Carlos' watch made a beeping noise. He checked, made a quiet, humming noise, then turned to James.

He kissed him.

It wasn't making out, not even open-mouthed. But it was passionate, and definitely a kiss.

My jaw dropped open. _What the fuck is he doing?_ I yelled in my mind.

When he broke away, James was flushed and looked dazed. "Carlos…" He breathed. "What was that?"

The Latino, who had sit down with his lunch and started eating it, looked up at James. "Oh, trust me, bro, you have no idea how long I've wanted to do that." He said. "Since I realized I was gay. Which was, like, seventh grade…?" He shrugged.

"Carlos!" I cried. "James has only been single for two weeks!"

"Which is the minimum amount of time to wait before claiming someone as your own." He said bluntly, inspecting his sandwich. He then looked up at me with an innocent face. "It was the longest I could go."

I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose. "Jesus Christ…"

I looked over to Kendall to see his reaction. I was expecting him to be as shocked as I was, but his reaction definitely wasn't surprise. He was having a hard time not laughing, his shoulders shaking with the effort. I slapped his shoulder. "Shouldn't you be pissed off right now?" I hissed.

He smiled at me. "James isn't my property anymore. He can do whatever with _who_ever he wants."

Just then, James fell to his knees and kissed Carlos with a crushing force. I could see Carlos' grin as he kissed back.

Kendall leaned in closer to me. "To tell the truth, I'm just glad he's happy. We were never the right fit." He said quietly.

I smiled as I watched Carlos and James make out, (weird as it may sound…), and whispered back to Kendall, "I'm glad to see Carlos happy, too. I can't imagine what he must have been feeling when his three best friends all had significant others, while all he had was his helmet."

Kendall wrapped an arm around my shoulders, pulling me closer to him. "You're too nice sometimes, you know that?" He asked.

"I know it more than you do." I retorted.

He smiled at me, then turned to Carlos and James. "As much as we all enjoy getting to second base in public, it's getting kinda gross, guys."

James pulled away, glaring at Kendall dangerously, but then smiled warmly at Carlos. I sighed silently, knowing that they were an adorable couple and slightly jealous of their happiness.

Even though they had only kissed.

Their chemistry was inevitable.

I slid a glance over at Kendall. He was already sitting down on the floor, eating his lunch. I sat down next to him, grabbing my lunch, and ate cheerfully.

This was the beginning of an era.

**FF**

-Kendall's POV-

It was a week after Carlos kissed James. They were a popular couple around the Palm Woods (no homophobes yet, thank god!), especially with Camille, Jo, and Kelly. Turns out, they all thought watching gay stuff was hot.

And here I thought it was a gay thing…

But it makes a lot of sense now!

Anyway. That Friday, we all ended up on our own. I found myself alone in 2J, bored out of my mind. Several things to relieve me of my boredom came to mind, but I was too lazy to fulfill any of the ideas.

You know what I'm talking about.

But, by a sudden burst of energy, I plugged my iPod into the iHome and pressed shuffle.

Numb by Linkin Park.

I started to sing along under my breath. It sorta described the mess I was in. Gustavo and this town were pressuring me to be one thing, when I was something completely different. I didn't notice it, but while my thoughts went on, my voice got louder until I was almost louder than the music (for those who have iHomes, the volume was at 23 or something).

Next song: In The End by Linkin Park.

I rolled my eyes. My iPod was off today. I wanted stuff to take my mind off things…like metal! Metal was always a good friend of mine.

But I wasn't complaining.

At least, by listening to this kind of music, I knew someone out there knew what I was going through…sort of.

But then, I listened to the lyrics of the music as I unconsciously sat up. This was about all his hard work crashing down after getting so far in the game.

What if that happened to me?

What if Big Time Rush became a flop after our first album?

James would never be able to forgive himself. He'd tumble down into a deep, dark depression, and if he did, I'd never forgive myself. I would be crushed to see my best friend's biggest dreams shattered after almost being in his grasp. And Logan would eventually get over the bad breaking up, but he would never be able to be taken seriously for a doctor. He'd never get his career fulfilled, and that would throw me down into the planet harder and do that much more damage. And Carlos… Well, Carlos would feel like a failure after having done so much at such a young age (he'd had to take care of his mother when they were in Puerto Rico, and then had to force her to move to America), but not being able to make it big once he got to LA, face so much, did so much, and gotten so close. He may never be that peppy little squirt that I had become closer to than a brother, the connection the four of us shared.

We would all be destroyed.

Maybe the other bands we had beat out had harsher stories. Maybe they needed this more than we did.

Maybe.

I hated that word. What if, too.

I shook my head. Gotta clear my head of those thoughts. But they wouldn't go away.

I thought of Logan. Oh, Logan. With both of us single, I might actually be able to muster up a few sexy flirts. Yeah, I could totally do that. I was flirty by nature – I could flirt someone into buying a gun and shooting a puppy in the head.

But Logan…

Logan had always been nervous around people he liked. Actually, scratch that, he was always nervous around people he didn't know. It was pretty cute, in my opinion. But my opinion is useless; it has you poor people reading about puppies getting shot.

I'd do anything for Logan. I wanted him to know that. I loved him, so much that it hurt at times. I wanted him to know that. I had dreams of him at night, agonizingly realistic dreams that showed me what we could be. I wanted him to know that.

But he was such an angel. He didn't deserve a burden like me on his hands. I would drag him down to hell with me, while he needed to be up in heaven. It was fact.

_You know what else is a fact?_ That snide, cruel, and annoyingly _right_ voice in the back of my mind cooed. _You're being a pussy about this. If this were anyone else, you'd already have them in the palm of your hand. Just tell him already! And fuck him nightly, I despise being part of a pussy's mind._

See? Annoying, right?

I groaned, ceasing my singing for a minute as I buried my face in my hands. I rubbed my face for a reason I didn't know, then folded my hands in a fashion that people did when they prayed. I felt tears well up in my eyes.

_Give me a chance, God…I promise you, I won't fuck it up, like I've done with all the other good things you've given me…please…let me love…_

Vaguely, I heard Pain by Three Days Grace come on. I sang along with all my heart.

-Logan's POV-

I sighed, blinking for the first time in what seemed like hours. The sky seemed impossibly blue, and it almost hurt to stare at it the way I was.

I was bored. Simply put, unless you're stoned, staring up at the sky on an apartment rooftop isn't all it's cracked up to be. And I didn't plan on getting stoned anytime soon.

Funny how strong that irony is.

But that's a story to be told another time.

Sighing once again, I climbed down off the roof. I slid down the gutter, feeling slightly awkward and pole-dancer-ish (**A/N: Hahaha! Reference to my latest story idea, At The Very Least! I shall be publishing that soon, so keep your eyes peeled!**), but didn't think much of it and made my way back to 2J.

When I was outside the door of 2J, I was about to open it, but froze. I heard a familiar song coming from inside the apartment. I raised an eyebrow and pressed my ear to the door. Pain by Three Days Grace. Something seemed off about the singing, though. And then I realized that I knew that singing voice.

Kendall!

The sincerity and anguish pouring from his voice made sympathy and remorse run through my veins. I wanted to burst in there and give him a hug, tell him that it would be okay, do anything to comfort him. I couldn't stand hearing his voice crack in torment.

But I couldn't just barge in there.

_Think of the consequences, Logan! Imagine what he'd do if he thought you were just some stalker!_

_Yes…but imagine what would happen if he went along…_

_I'm not even going to say the chance of that happening, you starry-eyed little fuck!_

_Chill, bro…let the pro handle this._

I opened the door and sang the bridge.

_I know, I know, I know, I know, I know that you're wounded  
You know, you know, you know, you know, that I'm here to save you  
You know, you know, you know, you know, I'm always here for you  
I know, I know, I know, I know, that you'll thank me later_

Of course, his immediate reaction was to jump in shock and stare at me in terror. He looked like a deer in headlights, his emerald eyes widening to an almost impossible size. But as I sang the song in an increasingly gentle voice, he relaxed, stepping off the couch. When I finished the bridge, he started singing the chorus in a soft, almost scared voice, as if trying to say to me, "I don't want to do this, but it's who I've become. Accept me. I'm begging you."

We sang the rest of the song in unison, slowly walking towards each other. I could hear my blood pounding in my ears, my heartbeat escalating in long-awaited gratification.

"You know, don't you?" He asked, his voice low and steady. There was no way in the world I could lie to that tone.

I nodded. "It scares me, Kendall." I said, averting my gaze from his. But he grabbed my chin and forced me to look at him.

"Scares me too, Logie." He whispered, leaning closer until I could feel his breath against my lips. I took a sharp intake of breath, fearfully looking in his eyes for confirmation. His eyebrows furrowed, telling me I should listen to him. "But not more than the thought of losing you."

Our lips met before I knew what was happening.

But I wouldn't have traded the moment for the world.

**Oh! Oh! Tenth chapter! And you KNOW what this means!**

**EVERYONE IS HAPPY!**

…**For now…**

**Mwahahahahaha!**

**Kendall: *grins* You sadistic little bitch! You finally bring us all together!**

**That doesn't mean I won't throw in a little trouble here and there.**

**Logan: I expect you to.**

***smiles***

**Carlos: Dude! Did you get our songs yet or not?**

**Oh, yeah! Yeah, I did! Okay, for Kendall, it's Headstrong by Trapt. For obvious reasons.**

**Kendall: *shrugs***

**For Carlos, it's I Am The Walrus by Styx.**

**Carlos: …Whyyyyy?**

**Because it says a bunch of random shit. It's totally you, bro.**

**Carlos: Answer accepted…*grumbles***

**James: *pats Carlos' shoulder comfortingly***

**Logan: And me?**

**Well, for you, just for this story, I'd have to say Believe by The Bravery. *shrugs* Sorry, bro. I couldn't find anything that suited YOU. If only you were a mad scientist…then I could use River Below by Billy Talent… *spaces out***

**Logan: …Alrighty then.**

**James: Who says we all celebrate ten chapters of adoration?**

**Me, Kendall, Logan, and Carlos: MEEEEEEE!**

**All: WEEEEEEEEEEEEE! *FUCKING SEXY GANGSTA DANCE PARTY, YO***

**Now, my dear loves, rate, review, love!**


	11. Asshole

**Hey! So, I have some big news! I have an idea for a story, but I'll need help from you readers.**

**Alright. The idea is taking well known fairytales and certain BTR couples and making dirty smex outta them bitches! Yeah! Who's in? Great! Just say a fairytale and BTR couple in reviews (or message me) so I can write them! I'll update it when I want/can. Oh, and I will take any couple besides Kenlos and any het couple. Okay? Yay! Thanks!**

**Oh, and, sorry that this is so late! I've just been really busy and I didn't have any time (or ideas) to write this chapter! And I can't believe someone wanted me to end this! It made me so sad… **** So, this is just gonna be all improve and…also…**

**I'm thinking of writing a bloopers chapter. Anyone who wants to see how that would happen in a fanfiction, tell me in the reviews and you'll see it most likely next chapter followed by the actual plot. *shrugs* But if no one wants it, I won't write it…even though I really want to. But I don't want to disappoint my fans.**

**Alright, onto the couple-y-ness!**

**Warnings: slash, smex, guy on guy, hooker shit, other stuff of that genre**

**Disclaimer: I don't own BTR! I wish I did, but I don't.**

Drowning.

That's what it was.

Letting everything overwhelm me and drag me down to a slow death via suffocation.

But he was there, trying to save me.

If only he knew.

Every time our lips connected, I felt myself getting closer to the surface, the end, of my depression. Needless to say, I was happy.

Wouldn't you be?

And everyone knew. It was great, because we could be couple-y in public and no one would look at us weird. It was heaven for me. And by the looks and smiles he'd give me, it was for him, too.

Everything was working out.

Oh, did I mention?

He's a magical bottom. Really. Tighter than Spandex.

Although, sometimes I got carried away and he couldn't walk for the next few days…but he was cool with it.

So, that brings me to two weeks after we started going out.

"So then I was like, 'fuck you', and then he said, 'I know you wanna' and then I was like, 'not even in your _dreams_, ho!'"

I raised an eyebrow at my boyfriend as I heard that little snippet of conversation between him, Camille, and Jo. I turned to them and walked over. Logan looked up and grinned at me.

"Hey, Kendie."

"Hey, Logie…wait, what'd you call me?" I asked, incredulous.

He shrugged. "Kendie. I think it's cute."

I smiled and pulled him to his feet. "Then that's all that matters." He smiled at me happily. "But anyway, who were you talking about?"

"John." He replied simply, shrugging.

"I was gonna say, I don't remember that conversation…" I said, wrapping my arms around his waist.

"Good. The beginning…" He chuckled. "Not for your ears."

"You _do_ realize that I'm the dude in this relationship, don't you? And it's _me_? Nothing grosses me out."

"It does when it's about you." Jo commented almost offhandedly.

I stared at her, then turned on Logan. "You and John talked about me?" I asked slowly.

"Hey, look at the time! We should probably be getting back to the apartment! It's late, and I'm hungry…" He started walking away quickly. I set my jaw.

"Hungry my ass…" I growled.

"Wait, Kendall!" Camille cried. "Don't break his spine, okay?"

"No promises." I snarled, then followed after him.

_Someone's getting fucked tonight!_

…_Or maybe not…_

I slowed slightly in my steps. My brain started working in the devious way it usually did. I smirked slowly.

Anyone else notice just how _amazing_ my brain is?

'Cause I do. All the fucking time!

WHAT IN THE _**WORLD**_IS UP?

Ahem. Back to the story…

I took my time getting to 2J, the smirk still on my face. As I got into the apartment building, I realized vaguely that it was Thursday. I had been wanting to initiate something, a bit of a tradition for me, for Fridays, and now would be the perfect time. Logan would love it, which was always a plus.

Casual Dress Up.

Yup. You read me. What I mean is, a dress shirt, baggy jeans, Converse, and maybe a few friendship bracelets and necklaces or something. Every Friday.

Sounds sexy, right?

Just as I decided to go through with it, I was stepping into the elevator. To my dread, the Jennifers were in there. They kept sneaking looks at me that were painfully obvious, oblivious to the fact that I could see them.

So, I sighed. "Can I help you ladies?"

"Are you strictly gay or might you be able to hook up with a girl?" One of them asked immediately.

I blinked, looking over at her. "That's…very blunt." She shrugged. I shook my head. "Sorry, Jennifer. I only like guys." I said.

"Are you and Logan exclusive?" The next Jennifer inquired.

I bit my tongue to keep from saying some seriously harsh words. "Yes." I growled out.

"Have you guys been sleeping together?"

"That's classified."

"What the hell does that mean?"

I snapped. "It means if you don't shut up, I'll get Carlos to hire a gun man and no one'll ever have to deal with your shit again."

They backed off.

I was relieved to see them shuffle out of the elevator, and even more comforted by the fact that I was the only one in the elevator for a few minutes. I held my head in my hands, sliding down until I was sitting on the floor. I knew he wasn't there with me, but I felt like it had to be said at that point.

"I love you, Logan."

When I heard the dinging noise, I stood up and walked out of the elevator, trying to clear my mind of my annoyance.

-Logan's POV-

"Where's Kendall?" Carlos asked me.

I shrugged. "I was too chicken to look back."

"At least you're honest about it." James shrugged. I smiled.

"That's me. The honest one." I sighed, my gaze falling on the door.

Finally, the door opened and a certain blonde sex god strolled in, his hands in his pockets and his hips jutting out. I couldn't help but give said hips a short, admiring glance, but then raised an eyebrow at Kendall's face. He smirked at me.

"Hey, baby." He said, walking up and sitting next to me on the couch, looping his arm over the back end. I gulped, his smoldering gaze turning me on a bit.

"Hey." I replied, trying to keep my voice steady. Geez, he made me weak. "What took you so long?"

He looked at me. He seemed to be taking things…_slowly_… "What? I can't take my time?" He asked, sliding ever closer to me. I felt my face heat up slightly, but I looked at him coolly.

"I didn't say that." I said.

"Hey! Sexual tension! I can barely breathe!" Carlos piped up, hopping out of his chair. "C'mon, Jimmy! To our room!" James picked up the Latino bridal style and carried him to their room.

I secretly thanked them.

"Hey…" Kendall started, his hands hovering over my hips. I bit my lip. "…Sorry about getting so _worked up_ earlier…" I was suddenly in his lap. "…I really should control myself."

I looked back at him. "I-it's okay…" I stuttered.

He smirked wider, so that a single, white fang poked out of his lips a bit. Seeing that smirk immediately got me wanting to kiss it right off his face. "I don't think you get it…" He leaned in and took my earlobe in his mouth. I gasped. He licked the shell. "…I wanna make it up to you, baby."

"Th-that's acceptable…" I whimpered.

He chuckled darkly in my ear (a weird mannerism of his that shows that he's turned on), but I barely had time to register the fact before his hand trailed down to my thigh, rubbing the inner side. I moaned lightly. "Thank you for the confirmation." He whispered. "It's not like molesting you is any fun, anyway."

That snapped it for me.

I whirled around in his lap, my legs encircling his waist and my lips pressed to his. His hand continued to stroke my thigh while he kissed me back, his other hand poking up under the fabric of my shirt. I coiled my arms around his neck. His tongue weaved its way into my mouth and I opened up eagerly. I knew I had no chance of dominance, so instead of fighting for it, I just swirled my tongue around his.

I felt him pick me up and lead me to our room. I grinned in anticipation.

Suddenly, I was on my back on my bed, Kendall hovering over me. I grabbed him by the shirt and pulled him into a searing kiss. We made out for a while, our hands traveling everywhere. Suddenly, my shirt was off and somewhere in the corner of the room. He ducked his head down, licking every inch of skin exposed, paying special attention to my nipples. By the time he moved down, I was a trembling, moaning mess. He twirled his tongue around my navel, dipping it in briefly, before moving even farther down.

For a split second, his warmth was gone. I whined in disappointment, before I felt hands on mine, guiding them up to the headboard and handcuffing them there.

My common sense came back to me then. I looked up at Kendall with wide eyes. "Kendall!" I hissed. "How many times to I have to tell you? No fucking bondage!"

He smirked down at me. "Trust me, Logie…" He bent down and kissed me sweetly on the lips. "It'll all be worth it."

I frowned, unsure, but he licked my neck, nipping lightly on my sweet spot, making me moan. I felt his hands working on getting my jeans _off._ I mentally cursed whoever the hell invented skinny jeans.

I mean, seriously!

Do they _not_ realize that horny gay teenage guys will have trouble getting those off?

Next thing I knew, my pants and boxers were ripped off, a sudden rush of air got to my arousal, even through the warmth of our hormone-heated bodies, and the clothes were thrown to the same corner as my shirt.

I gasped. I was always usually the one giving head, not the one getting it. I would enjoy this, especially since Kendall was normally extremely stubborn about his authority.

He blew air on the organ first, making me take in a sharp intake of breath in pleasure. He stared at me while sticking out his tongue and slowly licking from base to tip. I heard a keening moan and only realized a few minutes that it had been me making that noise. He chuckled, his breath tickling my genitals. "Someone's excitable."

"Shut up, fucking bastard." I panted, trying to sound angrier than I was. "Untie me!"

"Sorry, babe. Can't do that." He purred, his pointer finger drawing a random pattern on my dick. "That would make this less fun." And with that, he took the head in his mouth.

I gasped, pulling meekly on my restraints, wanting so badly to knit my fingers in his hair, to pull him down my length, to make him gag. Instead, all I could do was buck my hips. But he pressed his hands on my hips, making that impossible. I groaned, biting my lips. "Sadistic…ass bitch…" I couldn't form sensible words or sentences.

_Ass bitch? _My sensible brain, which could leave me alone for _ten fucking minutes_, piped up. _The hell is that?_

I ignored it.

Kendall's head move slowly down my length, his eyes glued to my face the whole time. It seemed like it was hours before he got down to the base, his warm mouth completely surrounding me. I panted, moaned, and writhed in pleasure. Oh, god, where the fuck did he learn that tongue thing? Note to self: try that next time you get the chance.

His head started bobbing. I gasped again, not believing it was possible for something to feel this good. Except for anal, that is. My eyes rolled back in my head. I was so close…

He was gone.

My eyes snapped open. I tried sitting up, but that wasn't happening with the handcuffs. "K-Kendall?" I called softly.

"Yeah, Logie?" He replied from the other side of the room.

"Uh…what just happened?" I asked awkwardly.

"Punishment." He answered, lying down in his own bed. I gaped at him. _What the fu-_ "Don't mess with me, Logan." He smiled at me. "Love you, though."

I sighed. "Love you, too." I shifted uncomfortably, still with a major boner and tied to the headboard. "Can you pull the blanket up for me?" I asked pathetically.

"Sure." He got up, walked over, pulled the comforter up to cover my lower half, then walked back to his bed.

I sighed, aggravated. "Asshole."

**Yeah. I didn't have many ideas for this chapter. But I do have ideas for next chapter, so I promise it won't be as crappy as this one. Even if this one gave you a bit of a half-lemon. :D**

**Kendall: That was fucking creepy, bro… *looks freaked out***

**What was?**

**Kendall: Me giving head.**

***slaps Kendall upside the head***

**Logan: No, it's true. He thinks it's kind of an uke thing.**

**Well that's stupid.**

**Carlos: What does uke mean?**

**James: It's Japanese for submissive partner in a gay relationship.**

**Carlos: That's really specific!**

**Logan: Damn straight.**

**Kendall: Shouldn't you be closing soon?**

**I should be sleeping right now, bro. So yes. I will close. Rate…review…love…whatever.**


	12. Clusterfuck

**And I am back! Happy Friday! Or, Saturday, whatever. I'm so sorry this has been taking so long, I've been WICKED busy for a few weeks! I was even without my laptop for a week! :O And then it wasn't working! :O I'M SO SORRY!**

**Anyway. I've been planning this chapter since the episode got out…I think you'll recognize it and love it. ;) I KNOW YOU WILL!**

**Everyone dance now! Go chapter 12!**

**Oh, and, by the way, this one has a lemon in it.**

**BUT ANYWAY!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush! Trust me! If I did, there wouldn't be a need to write this! We'd all be getting our daily dose of gay just by watching it! (Not that I don't with Big Time Crib, but you catch my drift.)**

**Warnings: Yaoi, slash, guy on guy, that genre! Foul language and later on some serious, explicit smexing. No likey, no read-y!**

"HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!"

"HOLY CRAP!"

"WHAT THE HELL?"

"Oh my god."

I clung to Kendall, not registering the fact that his arms were flung precariously around my waist, a stray hand landing on my ass (not that I would've minded if I knew). Carlos had nearly fainted, grabbing onto Camille for support. Camille wasn't as surprised as us, but then again she hadn't known him for as long as us.

SINCE WHEN WAS JAMES ORANGE?

"Does he know he looks like a _yam_?" I hissed, breaking the shocked silence.

"Oh, fuck…" Camille breathed.

"What?" Carlos gasped, worried for his boyfriend.

"James has Hollywood Fever."

"I told him not to buy those clams from the guy on the freeway! What, just because academics aren't my specialty, I don't have a good judgment calls?" Carlos cried.

"No, not that." Camille slapped him upside the head. "It means that being in Hollywood has gone to his orange head!"

"But we promised not to let this town change us. Trust me, this is just a phase. Probably from the heat." Kendall said, sounding a lot calmer than I knew he was.

"Kendall, look at him!" Camille said.

The blonde looked over at his best friend. I saw that he knew what he wanted to do, but he doubted it would work. I leaned up and whispered in his ear, "Do it. Nothing's not worth a first try."

He looked at me, smiling gratefully, and let go of me. "I'll cure his Hollywood Fever." He went over to James, with Carlos and me in tow. We stopped next to James' beach chair. "James. You're orange, and you look like a freak."

James looked up. "I'm not orange." He said, standing up. He held up to spray tan cans. "I'm mangerine. As in, Cuda's mangerine action tan."

"Action tan my ass." Carlos whispered in my ear. "I prefer his natural tan."

"That's just rude," I hissed back at him. "Shouldn't you be trying to snap him out of this?"

"Yeah." He replied. He shrugged, then smiled at me. "But that wouldn't be much fun."

I felt my eyes widen. "You're a demon!" I whisper-shouted.

"Oh, as if you didn't know that already. Plus, you're dating one, too." He smacked my shoulder in a friendly way, then leaned away so that he was standing straight. I stared at Kendall, realizing that Carlos was right.

He was a demon.

But he was a _hot_ demon.

And he cared for me.

And if he didn't, I'd make sure he'd never get off again.

It's that simple.

Of course, before I knew it, I was running around with a water gun and feeling like an idiot. But it was for James. And he was one of my best friends. I'd do anything for any of those guys, even if it meant sacrificing my dignity.

And then, before I knew what the fuck was going on, Guitar Dude was shoving a joint in my face.

"Woah, dude, hold on." I said, pushing his hand away. "We can't be doing that shit!"

"It's cool, bro." He said, grinning. "Go with the flow and let the energy just go." He looked like he had an epiphany. "Aw, dude, that rhymed!"

While he started making up lyrics, I stared at the joint. Everyone had to do weed at least once in their lives, right? So…why not now?

Slowly, I reached for the joint. He smiled at me.

And then everything was colorful.

-Kendall's POV-

My eyes widened.

FUCK…ME…

"L-Logie…" I started. He looked up, smiling hazily.

"Hey, baby." He stood up, wobbling slightly, then kissed me sloppily. "What's up?"

"…I think you are." I said, meaning that he was high. Which he obviously was. He smelled like weed and…for some reason…

_Guitar Dude._

"Hey, did Guitar Dude ever…touch you?" I asked gently.

Logan's eyebrows furrowed slightly, before he smiled brightly again. "Heh! As if I'd let him! I'm a ninja, Ken! You know that!" With that, he jumped away from me and onto the couch, making 'ninja' moves and noises. I facepalmed.

Dear god.

"Um…did he give you anything?" I asked.

He froze. He looked guilty and small in his too-big hippie outfit. Looking down at his feet, he mumbled something that I couldn't catch.

I took a deep breath, crossing my arms across my chest. "Sorry. Didn't catch that." I growled.

He cried something about peanut butter and ran into the kitchen. I glared after him.

At least he wasn't raped.

**FF**

-NARRATOR'S POV! OMG HI!-

Kendall shot a glance at James. James exchanged the same look.

"So. What's your reason?" The blonde asked.

"Double-sided apologizing." The pretty boy replied. "You?"

"Punishment." Kendall smirked.

"Have I ever told you that you have odd means of overprotection?" James asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I never made fun of you being in love with your reflection before. Don't be hatin' on my principles." Kendall said.

James laughed. "You gonna tell your relatives to wear those headphones?"

"If I don't, I'd be a bad brother. And I am nothing if not a good brother!" The blonde vowed.

"Uh-huh. Whatever lets you sleep at night." James said, elbowing his friend and walking towards his room. "See ya in the morning."

"Have fun." Kendall called, smirking. He dropped in on his mother and sister to tell them to wear their super-silent headphones, then made his way to his room.

When he got in there, he saw Logan sitting on his bed, looking guilty. Kendall put on an expressionless face, clearing his throat.

Logan looked up and immediately looked back down, feeling ashamed. "Kendall…I, um…" He sighed. "I don't have anything to say."

"No, you don't." Kendall said harshly. Logan looked up, one eyebrow raised. The blonde still didn't have any emotion even glancing upon his face.

"Um…I'm gonna change…" Logan said, starting to stand up.

Kendall put a strict hand on Logan's shoulder. "No you're not." He snarled.

Logan's eyes widened, looking up at his boyfriend. "K-Kendall?"

"Logan. You've been a bad boy today. Thus, you need to get punished." Kendall growled. Logan gulped, trying to shrink out of view, though knowing that it was impossible.

Goddamn his logical brain.

"Kendall…" Logan squeaked as Kendall continued to look at him with those glaring, dark eyes and cracked his knuckles.

"Shut it." Kendall swooped down and caught Logan's lips in a heated kiss that, although shocked Logan with the immediate tongue access, was gentle enough to let the smaller boy know that this was just Kendall's way of showing that he cared.

Kendall literally ripped Logan's shirt open, shocking the smaller teen. Logan sucked on Kendall's tongue.

The blonde ripped away from the kiss. "Don't think I'll let you control a single thing. Tonight, you learn a lesson." He attacked Logan's neck fiercely, almost breaking skin. Kendall was basking in his power. As much as he loved Logan, he loved winning power.

That was just a fact.

Kendall nipped and sucked harshly on Logan's nipple, playing with the other one with his fingers. Logan bit his lip, trying to keep his squeals in his throat – if Kendall heard one high-pitched noise from him, he'd be unstoppable. And he couldn't face that.

"Kendall…I – I…" Logan stuttered.

"Quiet."

Kendall ripped off Logan's pants and boxers with one swift movement. He smirked to himself, knowing how much his next act would torture Logan.

Logan gasped, his vision blurring slightly. "Kendall!" He squeaked.

Kendall continued to lick slowly up his boyfriend's erection. On an impulse, he suckled ruthlessly on the head of it. He swirled his tongue around the tip before going back down slowly, slowly, and twirled his tongue around Logan's balls. He dragged his tongue down the way towards his tight hole.

Logan whimpered helplessly, grabbing onto the bars of the headboard. He knew he had lost the battle between pleasure and dignity. But, to tell the honest to god truth, he didn't give a damn.

Kendall moved away before he went any further, making Logan whine in desperation. "Oh, you'll get something up there soon. Just wait a sec." He growled.

He grabbed some lube and spread on a thin coat, only because he'd be pounding Logan so hard he probably wouldn't be able to stand the next morning.

Lining up his cock with Logan's entrance, he grumbled, "Brace yourself," to Logan. He slammed in without another warning.

Euphoria encased Kendall, Logan's wet, tight heat unbearable. Logan cried out in pain, Kendall stretching him seemingly far past his limits.

"Kendall! Ah! G-go s-s-slower, please! Aaaaah!" Logan screeched, his voice almost an entire octave above his regular tone.

"I told you, Logie, you're not making any decisions tonight." Kendall managed, thrusting his hips harder.

Logan gripped Kendall's shoulders, digging his nails in.

"Not so fast, baby." Kendall spun Logan so he was on his hands and knees, completely helpless.

On his next thrust, Kendall hit something inside Logan that just made everything _snap_. Logan gasped, then buried his face in his pillow. He met Kendall's thrusts by rolling his hips back, screaming so loud into the pillow that his throat began to burn.

"Kendall! Ah! Mm…faster, please!"

Kendall, in pure evil spite of his boyfriend, went purposely slower. Logan growled deep in his throat; dear god, did he hate how sadistic Kendall got sometimes.

Kendall couldn't hold back much longer. He was getting close and he knew Logan was hanging by a single thread. He sped himself up again, biting Logan's ear just to make sure he didn't make any noises other than the occasional grunt.

They climaxed together, crying out each other's name.

-Logan's POV-

Lying in Kendall's arms after that was heaven. My ass was already hurting, and I could feel his cum leaking out. Which was a sensation good, bad, and odd.

I guessed I did learn a lesson from that.

If I ever needed a really good, hard fuck, all I had to do was spend time with Guitar Dude. Possibly get high.

Sounded easy enough.

"Logan."

"Yeah?" I noticed my voice was still scratchy and pretty high-pitched, making me sound vulnerable.

"I know what you're thinking. It's not going to work."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

I cuddled in closer to him and turned around to face him. Within seconds, I fell asleep in his arms.

**Finally! It feels good to update again!**

**Kendall: What took you so fucking long?**

**I was busy! Jeez!**

**Kendall: Apparently!**

**Logan: …Why did you call this chapter 'Clusterfuck'?**

**Because it's my favorite word right now.**

**Logan: Can't fight with that logic.**

**James: This episode was mainly about me. Why did I have like, no lines in it?**

**Because I had no time. I am a busy little person.**

**Carlos: Talk about little. I'm the shortest of all of them, and I'm still taller than you.**

…**I didn't eat my vitamins growing up.**

**Kendall: Aw. *hugs***

***hugs back***

**Logan: So, all in all, I think it's a pretty good chapter. **

**James: I'm excited about the next one.**

**Carlos: WHY'S THAT, JAMES?**

**James: SHOULDN'T DISTOPIAN HEART TELL US?**

**Kendall and Logan: YES, SHE SHOULD, JAMES!**

**Alright! So! Someone from a past chapter(s) is coming back next chapter and revealing a HUGE secret! Who do YOU think it will be? It will have no alteration whatsoever to what I'm writing, but you should still have a say on who you WANT to see!**

**Will it be:**

**John?**

**That C Kid from chapter whatever whose name MAY NOT ACTUALLY START WITH A C?**

**Or someone else?**

**YOU CAN TELL ME WHO YOU WANT!**

**Boys: *smile with shining teeth***


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